Some words may offend.. but then.. some rednecks offend me.. so i guess were even.

Argh. The first time in ages that I've had a chance to blog - and its with anger in my heart.  Hang on.. just got to get my soap box steady.. okay.. no.. yeah.. there it is.  Okay..

Now a storm is brewing in southern Tasmania because the Commonwealth government has advised that they will turn a dis-used army barracks into an immigration detention centre.   Two decades of playing the race card in politics has succesfully built up as strong a 'us and them' feeling in Tasmania as strong as any shopping centre in western sydney.  The nice term for Tasmanian's is colloquial.  We have come from the mainland but never really felt unwanted.  But others have felt the sting of rejection for originating from the North Island.  So imagine the mistrust of foreigners.. i mean .. REAL foreigners... people who, heaven forbid, may even look a bit different.

I'm not sure what frustrates me more.. the barely concealed xenophobia.. or these folks trashing any sense of logic in their arguments.  I mean trash.. they've taken the logic out the back paddock, punched out the windows, welded in a roll cage, and then smashed it into every tree they can find. It's like arguing with a 9/11 conspiracy theorist on dope.  Let's look at a few logical glitches that keep coming up.

Illegal immigrants. Okay - this old chestnut.  This one should be easy to fix, but it isn't.  All people have a fundamental right to seek asylum from persecution.  Don't take my word for it..  The UN says its so. And I quote "Under the United Nations Convention Relating to the Status of Refugees of 1951, a refugee is more narrowly defined (in Article 1A) as a person who "owing to a well-founded fear of being persecuted for reasons of race, religion, nationality, membership of a particular social group, or political opinion, is outside the country of his nationality, and is unable to or, owing to such fear, is unwilling to avail himself of the protection of that country"

See?  Can you spell g-o-o-g-l-e?  Then fucking google it.. don't keep repeating nonsense.

Human rights: Argh..If my kids ever came home with a report card like Australia has for Human Rights.. I don't know what I'd do.  No television for a month for starters..    When it comes to the Universal declaration of Human Rights, it would be quicker to say which of the articles we do comply with.    Lets see.. Article 1. act towards one another in spirit of brotherhood.. no..   hmmm.. 2  everyone is entitled to all rights and freedoms.. blah blah blah.. no distinction shall be made on the basis of country or territory to which a person belongs.. dam.  Thought we had that one.

Article 3.. right to life, liberty and security..  Hmm... well we have the security bit covered.  Thanks to those barbed wire fences..  Am I right? (High five!)

Article 4. no one shall be held in slavery or servitude.  YES!  AUSTRALIA ROCKS Article 4.  WOOHOO.

Article 5.  Dam..   inhuman, or degrading treatment.  Crap..

Article 6.. 7.. 12.. no.. 13. no.. 14.. aw look. just forget the Universal declaration of Human Rights.  We did already?  Well why didn't you tell me that.  By the way.. we also break the non-discrimination clause in article 3 of the Refugee Convention, Article 26 of the ICCPR, and article 2 of the International convention on the elimination of all forms of racial discrimination.  Phew!  Better make that two months without television.  Glad they didn't have all these shitty rules 200 years ago .. am I right?  <High five!>


Okay.. 

But these people are queue jumpers right?  Hmm.. well that's a tough one.   Bit hard to stand in a queue in a war torn country where the sign next to the QUEUE HERE say.. SHOOT ME.  Often the uneducated assume that every country has a McDonalds drive through, where families can opt to immigrate to other countries, in a nice orderly fashion.  "Two kids meals, large whopper, and hmm.. Australia looks nice this time of year." "Thank you.. here are your meals.  The trip to Australia will be a little while longer, but if you'd like to wait in parking spot 1, we'll be right out." Meanwhile, the reality is that these countries of origin are dangerous.  Do you have kids?  Do you love your kids?  Would you cross a treacherous ocean with your kids, knowing full well that you all could die, just for shits and giggles?

What is down right depressing is the idea that the 'boat people' are somehow overrunning the country.  Let's look at that..  First, by comparison with say European countries which are smaller than Oz, we take a bare fraction of the number.  And we are quite choosy too boot.. more on that later.   But even the problem is skewed by the means of arrival.   While dolt's and rednecks loose sleep over the foreign peril arriving in leaky boats, tens of thousand of other people are coming to Oz seeking asylum in planes, on various temporary visa's, and applying for asylum.  Did you know that in 2008, Iraqi's were our highest number of asylum seekers.  Third was China! How bout that?  We don't hear much about Chinese asylum seekers BECAUSE THEY FLY HERE!  We also don't hear much about the illegal immigrants (yes.. correct terminology this time) from the UK who overstay their visa's.  Perhaps it's because they're white?  Perhaps because we see ourselves as an anglo saxon country.. If anyone can think of any non-racial reason for the difference, I'd love to hear it..  

But aren't they coming in their thousands?  What if the sheer weight of them causes Australia to sink into the ocean like Atlantis.  Here's a fun fact to put your mind at ease.. In the 34 years from 1/1/1976 to 30/4/2010, there were 23,024 people who came to OZ by boat - which equates to 677 a year on average.  And most of them are pretty skinny... so I think we shoudl be safe yes?

But are they really fleeing bad places, or just seeking to jump a queue?  Well.. 80 percent of the worlds refugees are in developing nations - that's third world for those of us pre-pc..   Over 96% of asylum seekers in Oz are found to have valid cases. 

But don't asylum seekers get a hot spa in every room, massage by the pool, and a new lexus every year?  Far out.. if you believe this, please contact me immediately.. i have a hot bridge with your name on it.  Asylum seekers do not get four times the nicome from centrelink than aged pensioners.  Whoever sends you those emails, tell them to stick em up their ass with whatever viagra pills they've been ordering online.  It's just not true.  Don't believe me.  Ring centrelink (wait for 30 minutes on hold), and then ask them.

I think my main point is - if your scared of these poor unfortunates - work out why.  If it's racial prejudice, then you can't be helped, but congratulations on being self aware.  If you think you have a stronger argument than that, then articulate it.   Take the time to research whether your fears are justified.  Try not to get caught in logical fallacies (such as inductive reasoning.. a group of asylum seekers burnt down a hut, therefore they must all be criminals.).  Try not to believe what others say without checking it out for yourself (including what I've said here).  Try not make judgements about people without having some idea of the context from where they come.  These places are not like Australia, or any other country you see on your favourite sitcoms at night.  These places are the sort of countries where Australia has troops being deployed in an effort to bring back some kind of normalcy.  Our soldiers are dying - and they have guns.. so imagine how dangerous it is for farmer joe, and his family.  We don't send our troops over there because it's a picnic..

Finally, show some fucking compassion.  We live in a time when we go without very little.  Even the poorer (and I don't include our indigenous population in this statement.. but that's a whole other kettle of fish) of us can still afford our ciggies, a takeaway, and hell.. a nice big flat screen tele on the wall.  In a country where we can afford to spend a fortune on sport, art, and leisure, surely we have enough to help some others with the means to survive.  Don't we? Sigh...

I heard a story recently of a southern state in the USA which ran a poll for republicans.  The question was "should inter racial marriages be legal".  In the year 2011, 46 percent of respondents said no.  Another 16 percent said unsure.  This is 2011.  Less than half thought it should be legal for a two people to marry if they have different ethnic backgrounds.  I thought "those crazy redneck yanks".  But.. I wonder if there are people in the USA who say similar stories about Australia.  "Did you know that 76% of Tasmanians think Asylum Seekers in sinking boats should be turned back? HA!  Those crazy dim witted Aussies.. ".

Now I'm going to turn my soap box into a vegie garden.  Thanks for reading.

Don't bring a chicken to a knife fight..

A MAN attending an illegal cockfight in California has died after being stabbed in the leg by a bird with a knife attached to its own limb.  35-year-old Jose Luis Ochoa was declared dead at a hospital about two hours after he suffered the injury in Tulare County, north of Los Angeles, on January 30.

Eye witnesses say that prior to the altercation, the victim was overheard makign rude comments pertaining to chicken breasts and thighs.  Police are investigatig, and have interviewed several chickens who were on the scene, however, so far they have refused to cooperate.  Police will keep two hens in custody until they have enough egg's to make souffle for the departments family picnic.

 

In other news.

 

TOY company Mattel is asking the public to vote on whether Barbie and Ken should be reunited after a seven-year split.  Barbie and Ken, two half-century-old dolls marketed by Mattel, split on Valentine's Day 2004 after 43 years together.  Barbie claimed that Ken was letting himself go, and Ken argued that Barbie was too old to be wearing skanky clothes, and frankly, she was just high maintenance.  "Have you seen her digs?  Her wardrobe?  Her campervan?  Who do you think has to pay for that?  And what do I get in return?  We havent had sex in.. like ever!". 

It is understood that reconciliation of the couple will rest on whether a prenuptual agreement can be reached.

And now for the news..

And in today’s news – Australian solders are warned about the dangers of erectile dysfunction drugs and told they can have just four tablets a month.  The rest of the time, they will have to stand up and salute under their own steam.

A cat is found in Hobart with it’s ears chopped off.  It was seen enjoying itself last night at a Nick Cave concert.

Police were called to a brawl that broke out at Hulk Hogans’ wedding.  Security pushed a cameraman, the priest did a bionic elbow to the best man, and the bridesmaid put the mother-in-law into a dragon suplex before the bell went off.

Oprah has just adopted a small country she calls Australia.   The paperwork has all been cleared – she just needs to work out what part of her backyard she wants to put it in.

A man jumped a check-in counter and rode the luggage carousel in a bid to make his flight.  Unfortunately, baggage handlers thought he was luggage, and doctors are currently performing surgery to remove drugs shoved up his bottom.

And finally, when to give up on your hobby.  You are a fox hunter – you have a horse, all the dogs, and a big gun.  You think you get a fox, except it reaches around and shoots you with your own gun.  FAIL.    The fox was seen giving him the bird before quietly escaping back into the woods.  That's why I stick with bejewelled.  That hardly ever happens to me.

God bless all the stooooopid people..

I love the Darwin Awards.  First – it gives me something to try and avoid when my the last grains of sand fall through my hour glass.  But second, it really does explain allot in terms of some of the people you encounter in everyday life.  Not to put to fine a point on it – some people really are stooooopid.

If you haven’t come across Darwin Awards, check it out at http://darwinawards.com.    Last years nominees include that dude who had wheelchair rage, and smashed his way through the elevator door only to plunge to his death.   We also have the couple who decided to stop for ‘some loving’ – on the largest freeway in Brazil, at 6am, under heavy fog – in the lane!  Let’s hope one or both of them at least finished before the cargo truck intervened. 

Two hunters were crossing a glacier.  The first hunter fell through.  The second hunter called after him to see if he was okay.  “Yes” was the response, and so the 2^nd hunter thought his friend had found a shortcut off the glazier and jumped after him.  As he plummeted down the hundred foot drop to rocks below, he passed his friend, desperately clinging to a branch of a tree protruding from the snow.    Who would have suspected that hunters were not all packing the full lunch in their picnic baskets!

Two guys in Washington thought all that science behind rocket making was just a waste of time.  Instead, they poured four gallons of methanol into a 55 gallon drum, sat on it, and lit it up.   They thought it would send them rocketing across the car park.  Some bits of them presumably got there.

We have the chap in Romania who was welding, using a WW2 canon shell as his bench top.  That didn’t end well. 

So as we venture through this new year – add this one to your list of new years resolutions.  Try not to end up as a nominee for a Darwin Award – it'ss not the way most of us want to be posthumously remembered!

Happy New Year. And now the END OF THE WORLD!

Well.. that should get your attention.  It’s exciting times according to some Doom Sayers.. the world is coming to an end. Again.  This time, it’s the Mayan calendar that is causing the wringing of hands.  December 21, 2012 is the date – so you may want to hold back on ordering that extra large turkey in the Christmas after next.    

So the Mayans had a long Count calendar which recorded 5 x 125 year long cycles.  This calendar finishes December 21, 2012.  Now the Mayan’s didn’t predict the end of the world, or attach any other even happening in 2012 – except perhaps to remember to renew their calendar.  (Already?  Seems only 144000 days since we ordered the last one...).  But that hasn’t stopped some noodle heads of our time to read into it, and draw the only conclusion possible – THE END OF TIME.  (sorry.. cap’s lock got stuck).

I’m still getting over the fears and anxieties of the Millennium - the last time the world was meant to end.  Remember the Y2K bug?  I still think this was a covert revolution to improve the ‘value’ of geeks.   Nobody is giving wedgies to people who are stopping the planes from falling out of the sky.  And don’t forget those all important stickers on your desktop PC – “This PC is y2k compatible”.  Thank god.  Wonder what happened to the millions of pc’s around the world that didn’t have a sticker.  Oh.. that’s right.  Nothing.  Nostradamus may have predicted 1999, but he didn’t predict all the stickers, or coffee cups showing a Y2k bug.

As for baby Jesus making a comeback – he was due to return within the lifespan of those living at his time according to the New Testament.  So’s he’s running roughly 1960 years late.  Probably didn’t count on all the traffic.  The study of last days is called Christian eschatology.  You may not have heard of that – people who study this are not generally invited to parties or social gatherings as frankly they are a bit of a downer...  

Some fundamentalist’s have had the courage to predict a date.  For example, Paul Sides (13/9/2007), Mark Blitz (30/09/2008), the famous Jerry Falwell (2009) and many more.  Wrong.. wrong and.... wait for it.. wrong!  Harold Camping has had various shots at the title… but he keeps moving the date back and back.. which really is cheating.  One day, the planet will be knocked out of orbit by a drunk driving alien, and Harry will claim he was right.   (Picture him floating out to space as we lose gravity .. "I told you soooooooo".  Except.. zero gravity = zero noise.  Meh... still funny.)

My prediction is that one cannot predict such 'show stopper' events, but when they come, they certainly won’t have anything to do with a bearded man in sandals wondering who stole Christmas.  Like the dinosaurs, something will happen out of the blue, and unexpected, and we will all be turned back into carbon atoms for the next version of life on Earth.   Which reminds me..

A well known astrophysicist gives a lecture about the Sun, and talks about the fact that eventually, it will implode and become a super nova.  After the lecture a very nervous man comes up and says “Excuse me.. did you say 1 billion years or 1 million”.. The lecture responds “No.. 1 billion”.  “Oh “ replies the man “what a relief!”.

Once.. twice.. three times a .. no wait.. four times a lady..

A MAN who married four women - but did not let them know about each other - was reportedly battered to death by the wives after they discovered his secret.


Auto-rickshaw driver Yunus Bapari, 46, was apparently found out after taking two wives - who were familiar with each other - to a village fair, where they ran into his third wife.  Awkward!  The discovery that there were three wives triggered an argument - and the further revelation that Mr Bapari had a fourth wife.
The women gathered at the fourth wife's house in Kabirpur village, where they attacked Mr Bapari, beating him so viciously that he was rushed to a hospital in a critical condition. He later died.


Wow.  This one should be a contender for the Darwin Awards.  How can you know women so well as to convince four of them to marry you.. and yet, believe you can get away with quadigomy. (May not be a word yet.. Trademark!!)

I wonder what the conversation was before he died.  Questions about who he favoured most?  Who's cooking he prefered?  I bet that he thought he was going over there, and they would all get together for some weird menage-a-cinq..   the ladies had another idea.

Should they be prosecuted?  Nah..  He was clearly asking for this level of trouble, and he got it.  For the rest of us guys, watch and learn!

Spiderman.. spiderman.. falls off stages like no-one can..

Audience screams as Spider-Man musical stunt goes wrong

Picture a $65 million dollar Broadway musical based on the movie, based on the comic strip.. Spiderman leaps off the balcony to rescue the girl, but instead, plummets 30 feed down to the orchestra pit.  The audience were reported to be “surprised”.  Not as much as the orchestra I’m guessing.  Whoops.  That’s not part of the script.

Now for $65 million dollars, wouldn’t you think that you could hire actors who could improvise.  “Gosh – Spiderman has disappeared – where could he have gone in our time of need?  Never fear, Super-bucket-on-my-head Man will take on the criminal with this fire extinguisher I found back stage!”

This is the fourth such injury – and technically, the musical is still in preview mode – where they get to iron out all the bugs (no pun intended).   Fourth injury? WTF?  Sounds very suspicious to me.  I say you turn this into a ‘Murder she wrote’ musical.   Jessica Lansbury belting out a few songs written by U2 – like ‘Still haven’t found who we’re looking for’ for starters.    Dam.  This thing is practically writing itself.

Cause of the accident?  Human error.  Not robot error.  Not trick pony error.  Human error.  Bet someone sneezed at the wrong time.. or was updating their twitter account…  “Boring – 16 show in a row and all I get to do is hold this …. Whoops…”.

Also.. the man isn’t spider man.  See.. not as easy as it looks huh?  Perhaps they should of got one of those kids that does parkour..   (No.. not parketry.. that’s different).  Where they jump from building to building..  that would have definitely come in handy.  Well.. the show much go on.  The part of spider man will now be played by a real trained spider, and audience members will be given binoculars.  It’s going to blow out the budget a bit.  But, given how slow spiders move, the show will now take about 12 days, so drink sales will help cover the costs.  Break a leg!

Damned Dirty Ape..

What price a life?  Well.. in this case.. $90.

TWO Baltimore men were fined today for not wearing lifejackets while they rescued a deer trapped after falling through ice into a frozen river.
The rescuers, in an inflatable boat, were instructed to get off the waterway because they weren't wearing lifejackets - but they proceeded to smash the ice to give the deer a clear pathway out.
For their troubles, and not following instructions, they were fined $90 each.

Alright – let’s get the pun out the way first.  Nobody could say the fine was… (wait for it..) dear.  But it seems frivolous.  Will it stop someone who is that way inclined?  With the disproportionate amount of
A-@holes on this planet, do we really want to discourage good deeds?  I mean – this may be foolhardy – but to risk one’s life for another animal – that’s the greatest gift of all.  (Thanks Whitney.. you made that sound a lot more corny than it needed to be). 

Oprah can give cars and holidays till the cows come home (Dam cows.. always out partying till all hours).  But the quality of the gift lies in it’s intrinsic and embedded value, not only of the recipient but the giver.  So if a bum walks up to you and offers you a dollar – that’s worth more than Richard Branson smacking you in the face with $100 just so you’ll stop trying to clean his windscreen with a dirty rag. 

Speaking of deer, my good friend is a hunter.  Not sure I understand the hunt’ when your talking about an animal the size of a horse, which doesn’t shoot back.  Where’s the risk.. the sport.. the challenge?  Crikey – even I can hit a horse for 100 yards.  It may not be the right horse.. but I’ll take one of them out.  But if I were that way inclined, I need my target to be small enough to be a challenge, and perhaps shooting back.  Like those monkeys those Taliban trained in Afghanistan. But wait.. let’s make it real interesting. Let’s sneak up on them.. they have a gun.  I have a… desert spoon.  I commando crawl up the sand dune, with my back to the sun.  The stupid monkey has no idea I’m coming.  Sneaky sneaky catchy monkey.. Closer.. closer…

Take your stinking paws of me, you damned dirty ape!  Guess he saw me coming.  Anyway.  If you see a dear caught in the ice.. be nice and pull it out.   Unless it’s stuck in your bicardi and ice, in which case.. stir it with your swizzle stick.  

You can't choose your neighbours.

So I love living where I do - middle of nowhere, where I'm free to run around in the nuddy, lot's of land to grow fruit trees to feed the dam possums, and the purest water and air on the planet (if you don't consider possum poo in the water supply as a pollutant.. which I don't.  Note to visitors.. only warning you get.).

But there is one down side. I have neighbours who.. well.. frankly.. im not keen on.  We found out we had a Tiger snake under the cattle grid a couple of months ago.  There has been one there, on and off since we lived here, and come to think of it, the last owners also warned us it was a favourite home.  Today, when I went down to look, there was two. 

How do I feel about this? Well.. obviously, Im happy for the snake.  It's a lonely walk (slither) though life if you can't share it with someone.  And to be fair, they seem to keep to themselves, and don't keep us awake all night with snakey sex.  (Hopefully they'd say the same about us.). 

It's just.. well.. I'm not keen on snakes per se. I'm what you'd call snake intolerant - I'd even admit to being Snakist..  And now, I have 200 percent more snake to worry about.  That's a big jump!    We should have suspected we had a new neighbour - Kylie pulled a snake skin out of the grass near the cattle grid which was over 1 metre long - and I said 'Hmm.. didnt think our snake was that big".  Wait for the penny to drop.. wait.. wait.. nope.  No penny - until today when I see them both.  And the new one - the longer one actually came out from under the cattle grid to look at me as if to say 'What are you looking at fat boy?'.

Well.. you can't pick your neighbours I guess - and to be honest, these one's are nicer than the ferrals we lived next door to in Sydney - but that's another story. 

p.s.  when I went back to get my camera.. the 2nd one had dissapeared. OH WAIT -  IT'S BEHIND YOU!!!  Just kidding.

p.p.s  a guy in WA was bitten on the toe by a tiger snake a couple of weeks ago, whilst sitting at his computer.  The snake was only 30 centimetres long - and the man died because he delayed seeking treatment.  Dam internet porn strikes again.

p.p.p.s Tiger snakes are not regarded as aggresive, but are one of the deadliest in the world.  Not aggresive.. that is until they've had a couple of drinky poos!

Good lessons to learn..

A Swedish couple’s have learnt what most other people already know – don’t bring a knife to a sex act.  The man cut her stockings with the knife and then passed it to her – and she stabbed him (accidentally) in the thigh.  Hmm.. not in the mood perhaps?  He went to hospital, and she was arrested on suspicion of aggravated assault but was later released.   

Speaking of alligators (yeah.. remember last blog?) a Florida boy aged 8m donated his pet turtle to the local aquarium, only to watch it be eaten by an alligator.  The boy allegedly shouted “on no alligator, let it go!”  The Alligator didn’t reply because obviously.. not polite to talk with your mouth full.  No good turn goes unpunished kid.  Wow.. think of the psychological issues that kid will have to deal with in the future.

When I was around 8 or 9, my little girlfriend (we lived in the country.. started young), gave me a baby chick for Christmas.  I kept it in a box in my bed room.  One night, there was a storm, so I brought it into bed with me.  The next morning.. I wake up and… squished chicken.  I was distraught.  And that’s why I don’t let chickens sleep over any more.    Also, my wife complains about the feathers.

But as I grow older I reflect on what that incident did to my psyche.  Maybe that’s why I have sleep apnoea now.. maybe my snoring is a subconscious warning bell to all squish able animals. “Flee.. flee now before the fat man rolls over’. 

So a few years later, I worked at the local chicken farm.  These birds grew from chicks to full grown in approximately 12 weeks.. they were fed god knows what, and just grew super fast.  Sometimes, their little tickers couldn’t handle it, and they would have little chicken heart attacks.  When this happened, we would reach over, grab the writhing chook and snap it’s neck.  That was then.. perhaps now days, they perform cardiac compressions and mouth to beak resuscitation.  Medicine has certainly come a long way. 

I like to think, some twenty years later that I have reached a good balance.  Most of our hens live long and contented lives, and die of old age.  Some of the roosters aren’t that lucky – but I take no joy in dispatching them off to the big chicken run in the sky, where I like to believe they all have 42 fresh hen’s waiting for them.  So kid, you may have lost a turtle, but one day, you may be a turtle farmer.. and reflect on how you lost your first turtle to a crocodile with a smile.  Or you may end up being some kind of freaking psychopath who dresses up like a ninja turtle, and goes on a rampage through your local Lacoste factory.   Probably the latter.

Cricket balls...

How big are cricket balls?  Good question.  Apparently.. pretty gosh darn big.  The Tuberous bush cricket (see photo if age over 18), has testes that amount to 13.8 per cent of it’s body mass.  (If he was a human that would be the equivalent of 10 kilo testicles - or the size of a tyre.)

Apparently this is the only cricket that doesn’t jump – but just walks tentatively around very very very carefully.  Okay.. that’s not true, but you’d have to assume a certain sensitivity around that region. Perhaps that is why cricket’s have such a high chirping sound. 

Here’s a tip for you.  If a scientist is about to poke your testicles with a sharp thing.. your day is just about to get worse.  And why is he smiling like that?  This guy enjoys his work far to much.  Bet he used to tear the wings of flies when he was a kid.  Someone told me that if you tore one wing of a fly, it would just go in circles.  How do you tell the difference?  They all just fly around in circles.  Maybe they would fly in a straight line.  Okay – there is your homework.  Go find out and report back.

Here’s a fun fact.  You can tell the temperature by counting cricket chirps.  Go outside at night, and count the number of chirps a cricket makes in a 15 second period.  Then add 40 and this is the temperature in degree’s Fahrenheit.  Now divide by the first number you thought of, add the date of your birth day, and round down to the nearest 10.  That is a random number.  Fascinating huh?

A cricket is omnivorous.. they eat everything.  But their favourite food is rotten fruit, leaves, and a chicken Caesar salad if the anchovies are removed first.  Finally, crickets have their ear like sound receptors on their legs.  And this explains the common phrase ‘talk to the legs, because the testicles don’t want to hear it no more’.  Class dismissed.

Airline food vs shark food.

Today’s news talked of a chemical scare at the Qantas Catering building near Mascot airport.   400 people were evacuated and 8 were taken to hospital as a precaution. This should come as no surprise - have you not tasted airline food?   

Some sharks in Egypt have been gnawing on the tourists, with a 5 attacks in one week.  The last attack was an elderly German lady who died after being bitten on the thigh and arm.  What is of concern is the comments by the Tourism Minister who said:

"We are getting marine biologists from abroad to assess the situation and why there was this change in biological nature," said Garana, referring to the repeated attacks, which one expert called unprecedented.
"This is unnatural. It has never happened before," he said. "We have no explanation."

Are you freaking kidding me?  This is perfectly natural.  Sharks eat meat – and guess what? We are meat.  It would be unnatural if the woman attacked the shark.  That would be unnatural.  Or if they woman and shark sat down for a nice vegan meal.  That would be unnatural.   And repeated attacks being unprecedented?  Have you not seen those nature documentaries Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3-d and Jaws: The Revenge???   We like to think we are top of the totem pole when it comes to the food chain but in reality, something eats’ every one of us when we die.. And occasionally, something eats’ someone before hand. Don’t take it personally.. It’s just nature.

Look.. if it makes you feel any better.. Here is a photo of a 5m saltwater crocodile eating a bull shark at Kakadu National Park in the Northern Territory.   What goes around comes around.   I think I know what happened here.  The river is called the Alligator River.  The shark probably thought.. “Alligators? They’re the little one’s right? No problemo.”  And then.. chomp. 

Schadenfreude and the lemmings

Another stampede reported today – this time in China.  Scenario: Over 100 students running down a narrow stairwell, and an 8 year old girl at the front stops to tie her shoe lace.  Result: 41 students hospitalised.  Whoops. Not funny.. but.. well.. a little funny.  Think its called schadenfreude.  And let’s face it – we’ve all taken turns being the 8 year old.  Just not normally with such severe results.  An interesting side note is that over 120 students went to hospital.  More kids went to hospital than were involved in the accident.  Apparently they saw the ambulances, and just piled in.  Now if the first incident didn’t make the word ‘lemming’ spring into your head, surely the second does.

Have you ever been running up stairs with your hands in your pockets and then tripped?  No..? Well me neither then..

Schadenfreude – glee at another’s misfortune.  Why do we feel that?  (And be honest – everyone does.)  Funniest home videos is based on it.  Half of YouTube.. the non-pornographic half mostly (though not always.. “You’ve got what stuck where???”).  It’s also referred to as ‘morose delectation’ – and was actually a sin.. so it has that going for it too! 

The antonym is freudenschade – a word invented to mean sorrow at another person’s success. Although, according to Wikipedia, the word doesn’t existing in German (and neither does sorrow…  Wacky Germans).

 
I had a boss once who, whilst riding a bike, ran into the back of a car, and put his head through the back windshield.  That was very funny.  And then we found out that he’d done it before.  And I admit.. I laughed till I cried.  Don’t worry.. he lived.  I have a grin on my face just typing this.  Ah… good times!

p.s  Lemmings don't actually mass suicide.  They just mass exodus, and this sometimes means jumping off cliffs.  Same result, but it's all about intent.  Besides...  suicide is also a sin. 

Bacon, Bees, Buzz and Brewster..

Had to rescue my pig last night ‘Cheesy Bacon’ who was caught up in the electric fence wire.  I know .. I’m probably your hero now right?  Full disclosure – I only own half of Cheesy Bacon – my buddy own’s the other half.  I prefer the front bit..  When Cheesy gets a little older, he is going to Gordie’s for a sleepover and hopefully make sweet piggy love to his two girl pigs.  “I’m here to clean your pool.. your mud pool!” Chickachica chow….

What happened to all the punks?  I saw one today and I was surprised at how surprised I was.  Do you think it was the hit NBC show Punky Brewster for two years in the mid 80’s that really ruined it for the punk scene?  I don’t really think she was that punk to be honest.  I don’t remember any of the episodes specifically.. did she ever bite the head of a chicken?

Incidentally, Punky Brewster had an episode three weeks after the space shuttle disaster where they had Buzz Aldrin come on and explain the perils of being an explorer.  They do say that you are more likely to have an accident at the very beginning or the very end of your trip.. guess the same applies to space shuttles.  Buzz was also trying to promote the young astronaut program.. yeah – good luck with that Buzz.  Apparently, the episode was handled with allot of sensitivity – that is until Punky Brewster head butted Buzz, and kicked him in the crotch with her Doc Martins.

I’m eating chocolate crackles.  They are payment for a computer job I haven’t started yet.  I hope I can fix this computer, or I shall have to return the chocolate crackles.   God.  I hate performance anxiety.

Bees have 5 eyes.  What’s that about?  I can understand an even number.. but an odd number?  Freaks!

What will we do when the clowns are gone..?

Sad day today with the news that comedy great Leslie Nielsen died aged 84.  Naked Gun and Flying High are still two of my favourites.   With Nielsen and Greg Geraldo dead so close apart, the world is just a little less silly unfortunately. 

On a lighter note – have you ever wondered how those zany creationists can accept the presence of dinosaurs, and yet hold to the theory that the earth is only 6000 years old?  Well.. wonder no more.  Three words:  dinosaurs on ark.  That’s right – the creation museum in Petersburg, Kentucky explains it all, and it’s all perfectly logical.  You see, Moses got two of every animal, including dinosaurs, onto the big boat.  Now – I see you roll your eyes.  How can a big T, let alone two get aboard a man made boat.  Well.. they weren’t all full size ya silly billly.  They were baby dinosaurs.    Jesus loves baby dinosaurs.  

Dinosaurs on the Ark

Saw an interesting sight on the weekend.  A gang of bikies (sorry.. not suggesting anything.. how about.. a loose association based on mutual enjoyment of motorbikes, loose women and crime) rolled into town this weekend, and I found myself stuck in the middle of the street waiting for them to park.  Have you ever noticed that they all look very menacing in their black leathers, bandana’s and bowling ball helmets… right up to the point that they have to do tippy toe their bikes backwards into to a car park..    The soundtrack in my head goes from Wild One, to the Nutcracker suite.  Tippy tippy toe.. tippy toe..  Don’t dwop dat heavy bikey wikey…

Okay.  Too far?  Don’t kill me.

Snake update.  Still there.  Still big.  Don’t kill me.

Did you hear about this?  An Indian co-pilot sent a Boeing 737 into a terrifying nosedive when he adjusted his seat..  “Sorry! My bad!”.   The pilot had stopped out for a toilet break, and couldn’t get back into the cockpit.  The pilot finally got back in, and was able to wrestle control back over the aircraft.     References people.. references!   Reminds me of why I stopped learning to fly.  Know your limitations. 

In related news, a woman stripped nude during a flight, and was restrained before being taken into custody on a Delta airlines flight.  She was not charged – and nor should she.  Unless she was fat and/or ugly.

And finally, an audit by the Department of Energy has determined one small ‘potential vulnerability’ in the handling of nuclear missiles.  The  people transporting them have been found to be drunk on the job!   Well.. perhaps if you thought that the next pothole you hit could be your last, you’d want a little something to settle the nerves. 

Weekly Wrap

Been a bit slack this week with posts - so thought I'd do a wrap up today. 

First - as you know.. I like to watch people.  No.. not in a creepy way.. promise!  Two sights this week that I haven't seen before..   The first was watching a man waiting for an elevator.. the door opens.. and in the lift was a group of Buddhist Monks all dressed in robes.  The guy waiting did a very obvious double take before tentatively getting in the lift.  That would be one spiritual ride man..   Reminds me of a Buddhist quote.  "All know the way.. but few actually walk it".  Apparently some take the lift.

Second was a bike rider, stopped at the traffic lights.  Two police officers on bikes rode up beside him, and he didnt notice.  He then casually looks to his side, and nearly fell off his bike when the policeman said hello.  I was waiting for a bike chase, but unfortunately, that didnt ensue.  Also, the soundtrack to Benny Hill was just in my head.

Today's news had a group of ten in a fitness class, plus the trainer, get caught in the surf, and have to get pulled in by lifesavers.  That is one tough trainer.. "Come on.. it's not doing you any good unless you can feel the pain!!  FEEL THE PAIN!!...  No - wait.  Don't take them back to the beach, we haven't finished our session yet!".

We have Gojira - a fancy, space aged boat, heading out to tackle the whalers again this season.  As you recall, last year ended with a sunk boat, and an arrested protester.  This year.. bigger boat.. and Michelle Rodriguez - so umm.. sorry.  Mind wandered..

Anyway - the name Gojira is actually Japanese for Godzilla - so if this all ends with the girl falling in love with the boat, but the boat getting sunk.. well.. they were kind of asking for it.  We haven't been advised if the Japanese are bringing their largest fishing boat.. King Kong.  Good luck peeps.. save the whales!

Finally, MI6 has been embarrassed by an imposter.  They paid Mullah Akhtar Mohammad Mansour lots of money because they thought he was a high level Taliban leader who could negotiate with both sides.  Turns out he is either just a lowly commander, a shopkeeper, or just some guy with a beard.  Reference checks people.. reference checks!

In local news, we have a tiger snake under the cattle grid, who seems to have a love hate relationship with my wife.  "I can see you!."  Snake slithers.. "I can still see you"... Snake slithers some more...  I'm not jealous.   Hot house has a cover now, and we can start to 'renovate' inside.  Exam's and assignments over for this study period.. and.. wait for it.. Week 1 of next study period starts Monday.  Have a great weekend.

Sexist Email Scandal

Pricewaterhousecoopers (PWC) has taken a hit in the PR front this week when an inappropriate privately circulated email went public!

"The email was originally shared by 17 male colleagues, discussing the physical merits of 13 new female workers, thought to have joined recently as trainee accountants or associates.

The email, complete with photos of the women, had the subject line ‘this would be my shortlist for the top 10’.

Yowsers!  At a previous company I worked for, over a dozen employee's were sacked for exchanging sexually explicit emails - some were very long term employee's.  

We've all been there - opened up an email sent from a friend only to find something really rude, crude or offensive on the screen.  If they are funny - they can actually make my day but I'm not easily offended.

The point is not to forward it on.  I have another friend who keeps sending me those emails warning about how illegal immigrants are stealing jobs, being given free cars, and luxury mansions whilst the rest of us struggle here on .. well.. struggle street.   Scary undertones in those emails - I keep looking for swastikas at the bottom. 

And then my other non-favourite email (other than spam) are those 'pass this on' ones.  They are either fictitious warnings or hoax's.  Some that stick in my memory..

• Send this email to ten friends, and you will receive a new (laptop, blackberry, Iphone) etc.
• If you are being mugged at the ATM, put your pin number in backwards.  This will notify the police.  (Unless your pin number is like..  1111... in which case.. your screwed).
• Backpackers waking up in a bath full of ice and a note that says 'Ring the police now'..   Someone really should check out that 'Organs 'R' Us' store.. some really shady characters work there..
• Send this email to make the Make a Wish Foundation and they will give 1$ to little jimmy... (this one made me a bit mad.. people... let's keep the not for profits out of our little games okay??).
•  If you don't send this email to 10 friends, you don't support the troops in Iraq. (Really?  What about those people who didn’t get the email? What about those people who don't have 10 friends.. or Nana who doesn’t know how to forward on?  Dam Communists the lot of em!)

I usually reply to these emails with the appropriate reference from Snopes.com - but probably to no avail.

 Let's face it - if an email is any good, it will get forwarded on.  If it needs to tell you to pass on to all your friends - it's probably full of lies, tripe or superstitious mumbo jumbo.  TRASH IT!

Tweeting is for twits.. not terrorists..

So this guys tweet's that he is going to blow up an airport if they didnt reopen in time for his flight.    South Yorkshire police stepped in and arrested him.  The courts turned down his appeal - so now there is a large internet frenzy of supporters. 

Over 5000 people have sent fake warning messages in solidarity of this guy - including the words "IamSpartacus" - a reference to Stanley Kubrick’s movie in the 60's where all the slaves stood up and said .. well.. I am Spartacus.   (For those too young to see the movie - picture the scene from Dead Poets Society where all the kids stood on desks..  Or even more recently, Being John Malkovich if this guy was making money, and the plot was written by someone on hallucinogens.

So I think we can agree this guy is guilty of poor judgement - most reasonable people know you can't make jokes like this in a post 9/11 world.  But should he be criminally charged?  Is it reasonable to assume he was only joking?  Perhaps - but then we have the subjectivity question.  Should possible threats be ignored if a policemen decides it's only a joke?

To those who think that is unreasonable, consider this.  In Queensland in 2007, 11 million calls were made to emergency services and 60% of those were prank, unmercenary or misdialled calls.  So there is subjectivity already required.  Does that support his case or work against it?

Well it would suggest that he could argue that it was obvious that he was joking - who would tweet such a thing if they really intended to bomb the airport.  The 'reasonableness' argument would say that most 'reasonable' people would not react to the message by raising alarms.

On the flip side, if an Agency admitted to ignoring such threats because they were categorized as jokes, they would surely leave themselves open to criticism, particularly in the event of a bombing.  This seems to suggest that, reasonable or not, the authorities have a defensible case that they did not regard this as a joke in this instance. 

Unfortunately, the protest of the internet in 'spamming' the twittersphere, whilst interesting from a cultural perspective, may mean that any real threats from now on will have a greater level of scepticism applied.  Is that necessarily a good thing?  I guess it’s a bit of a catch 22 situation much like the cartoon’s of Muhammad.  Is it someone’s right to joke around about bombing airports on twitter?  Perhaps.  Should they? Of course not..

Cruise ship.. just like Gilligan's Island.

The report came out today of the stranded cruise ship Splendor stuck of the California coastline. The passengers said it was just like being on Gilligan's Island because the food tasted like 'feces', the passengers were corralled on the decks, and had no access to toilets.

Now that doesn't make me jump to the conclusion that the ship was just like Gilligan's Island, but a little more research revealed the following.

Right before the fire, the captain was calling his second mate little buddy, but just after the fire, the captain took off his hat, and slapped his second mate in the head.
The coast guard were contact by a strange contraption that consisted of an exercise bike, two coconuts, and bamboo pole.
For the 5 days that the ship was stranded, they kept getting strange visitors, including a mad German scientist, a large gorilla, and a famous movie director.  Alas, none of the visitors kept their promise to get help.

After 5 days, the cruise ship was towed back to port.  Strangely, to celebrate the rescue, the entire cruise ship hired another cruise ship, and haven't been seen off since.

Art

I don't know art - but I know what I like!