Some words may offend.. but then.. some rednecks offend me.. so i guess were even.

Argh. The first time in ages that I've had a chance to blog - and its with anger in my heart.  Hang on.. just got to get my soap box steady.. okay.. no.. yeah.. there it is.  Okay..

Now a storm is brewing in southern Tasmania because the Commonwealth government has advised that they will turn a dis-used army barracks into an immigration detention centre.   Two decades of playing the race card in politics has succesfully built up as strong a 'us and them' feeling in Tasmania as strong as any shopping centre in western sydney.  The nice term for Tasmanian's is colloquial.  We have come from the mainland but never really felt unwanted.  But others have felt the sting of rejection for originating from the North Island.  So imagine the mistrust of foreigners.. i mean .. REAL foreigners... people who, heaven forbid, may even look a bit different.

I'm not sure what frustrates me more.. the barely concealed xenophobia.. or these folks trashing any sense of logic in their arguments.  I mean trash.. they've taken the logic out the back paddock, punched out the windows, welded in a roll cage, and then smashed it into every tree they can find. It's like arguing with a 9/11 conspiracy theorist on dope.  Let's look at a few logical glitches that keep coming up.

Illegal immigrants. Okay - this old chestnut.  This one should be easy to fix, but it isn't.  All people have a fundamental right to seek asylum from persecution.  Don't take my word for it..  The UN says its so. And I quote "Under the United Nations Convention Relating to the Status of Refugees of 1951, a refugee is more narrowly defined (in Article 1A) as a person who "owing to a well-founded fear of being persecuted for reasons of race, religion, nationality, membership of a particular social group, or political opinion, is outside the country of his nationality, and is unable to or, owing to such fear, is unwilling to avail himself of the protection of that country"

See?  Can you spell g-o-o-g-l-e?  Then fucking google it.. don't keep repeating nonsense.

Human rights: Argh..If my kids ever came home with a report card like Australia has for Human Rights.. I don't know what I'd do.  No television for a month for starters..    When it comes to the Universal declaration of Human Rights, it would be quicker to say which of the articles we do comply with.    Lets see.. Article 1. act towards one another in spirit of brotherhood.. no..   hmmm.. 2  everyone is entitled to all rights and freedoms.. blah blah blah.. no distinction shall be made on the basis of country or territory to which a person belongs.. dam.  Thought we had that one.

Article 3.. right to life, liberty and security..  Hmm... well we have the security bit covered.  Thanks to those barbed wire fences..  Am I right? (High five!)

Article 4. no one shall be held in slavery or servitude.  YES!  AUSTRALIA ROCKS Article 4.  WOOHOO.

Article 5.  Dam..   inhuman, or degrading treatment.  Crap..

Article 6.. 7.. 12.. no.. 13. no.. 14.. aw look. just forget the Universal declaration of Human Rights.  We did already?  Well why didn't you tell me that.  By the way.. we also break the non-discrimination clause in article 3 of the Refugee Convention, Article 26 of the ICCPR, and article 2 of the International convention on the elimination of all forms of racial discrimination.  Phew!  Better make that two months without television.  Glad they didn't have all these shitty rules 200 years ago .. am I right?  <High five!>


Okay.. 

But these people are queue jumpers right?  Hmm.. well that's a tough one.   Bit hard to stand in a queue in a war torn country where the sign next to the QUEUE HERE say.. SHOOT ME.  Often the uneducated assume that every country has a McDonalds drive through, where families can opt to immigrate to other countries, in a nice orderly fashion.  "Two kids meals, large whopper, and hmm.. Australia looks nice this time of year." "Thank you.. here are your meals.  The trip to Australia will be a little while longer, but if you'd like to wait in parking spot 1, we'll be right out." Meanwhile, the reality is that these countries of origin are dangerous.  Do you have kids?  Do you love your kids?  Would you cross a treacherous ocean with your kids, knowing full well that you all could die, just for shits and giggles?

What is down right depressing is the idea that the 'boat people' are somehow overrunning the country.  Let's look at that..  First, by comparison with say European countries which are smaller than Oz, we take a bare fraction of the number.  And we are quite choosy too boot.. more on that later.   But even the problem is skewed by the means of arrival.   While dolt's and rednecks loose sleep over the foreign peril arriving in leaky boats, tens of thousand of other people are coming to Oz seeking asylum in planes, on various temporary visa's, and applying for asylum.  Did you know that in 2008, Iraqi's were our highest number of asylum seekers.  Third was China! How bout that?  We don't hear much about Chinese asylum seekers BECAUSE THEY FLY HERE!  We also don't hear much about the illegal immigrants (yes.. correct terminology this time) from the UK who overstay their visa's.  Perhaps it's because they're white?  Perhaps because we see ourselves as an anglo saxon country.. If anyone can think of any non-racial reason for the difference, I'd love to hear it..  

But aren't they coming in their thousands?  What if the sheer weight of them causes Australia to sink into the ocean like Atlantis.  Here's a fun fact to put your mind at ease.. In the 34 years from 1/1/1976 to 30/4/2010, there were 23,024 people who came to OZ by boat - which equates to 677 a year on average.  And most of them are pretty skinny... so I think we shoudl be safe yes?

But are they really fleeing bad places, or just seeking to jump a queue?  Well.. 80 percent of the worlds refugees are in developing nations - that's third world for those of us pre-pc..   Over 96% of asylum seekers in Oz are found to have valid cases. 

But don't asylum seekers get a hot spa in every room, massage by the pool, and a new lexus every year?  Far out.. if you believe this, please contact me immediately.. i have a hot bridge with your name on it.  Asylum seekers do not get four times the nicome from centrelink than aged pensioners.  Whoever sends you those emails, tell them to stick em up their ass with whatever viagra pills they've been ordering online.  It's just not true.  Don't believe me.  Ring centrelink (wait for 30 minutes on hold), and then ask them.

I think my main point is - if your scared of these poor unfortunates - work out why.  If it's racial prejudice, then you can't be helped, but congratulations on being self aware.  If you think you have a stronger argument than that, then articulate it.   Take the time to research whether your fears are justified.  Try not to get caught in logical fallacies (such as inductive reasoning.. a group of asylum seekers burnt down a hut, therefore they must all be criminals.).  Try not to believe what others say without checking it out for yourself (including what I've said here).  Try not make judgements about people without having some idea of the context from where they come.  These places are not like Australia, or any other country you see on your favourite sitcoms at night.  These places are the sort of countries where Australia has troops being deployed in an effort to bring back some kind of normalcy.  Our soldiers are dying - and they have guns.. so imagine how dangerous it is for farmer joe, and his family.  We don't send our troops over there because it's a picnic..

Finally, show some fucking compassion.  We live in a time when we go without very little.  Even the poorer (and I don't include our indigenous population in this statement.. but that's a whole other kettle of fish) of us can still afford our ciggies, a takeaway, and hell.. a nice big flat screen tele on the wall.  In a country where we can afford to spend a fortune on sport, art, and leisure, surely we have enough to help some others with the means to survive.  Don't we? Sigh...

I heard a story recently of a southern state in the USA which ran a poll for republicans.  The question was "should inter racial marriages be legal".  In the year 2011, 46 percent of respondents said no.  Another 16 percent said unsure.  This is 2011.  Less than half thought it should be legal for a two people to marry if they have different ethnic backgrounds.  I thought "those crazy redneck yanks".  But.. I wonder if there are people in the USA who say similar stories about Australia.  "Did you know that 76% of Tasmanians think Asylum Seekers in sinking boats should be turned back? HA!  Those crazy dim witted Aussies.. ".

Now I'm going to turn my soap box into a vegie garden.  Thanks for reading.

Don't bring a chicken to a knife fight..

A MAN attending an illegal cockfight in California has died after being stabbed in the leg by a bird with a knife attached to its own limb.  35-year-old Jose Luis Ochoa was declared dead at a hospital about two hours after he suffered the injury in Tulare County, north of Los Angeles, on January 30.

Eye witnesses say that prior to the altercation, the victim was overheard makign rude comments pertaining to chicken breasts and thighs.  Police are investigatig, and have interviewed several chickens who were on the scene, however, so far they have refused to cooperate.  Police will keep two hens in custody until they have enough egg's to make souffle for the departments family picnic.

 

In other news.

 

TOY company Mattel is asking the public to vote on whether Barbie and Ken should be reunited after a seven-year split.  Barbie and Ken, two half-century-old dolls marketed by Mattel, split on Valentine's Day 2004 after 43 years together.  Barbie claimed that Ken was letting himself go, and Ken argued that Barbie was too old to be wearing skanky clothes, and frankly, she was just high maintenance.  "Have you seen her digs?  Her wardrobe?  Her campervan?  Who do you think has to pay for that?  And what do I get in return?  We havent had sex in.. like ever!". 

It is understood that reconciliation of the couple will rest on whether a prenuptual agreement can be reached.

And now for the news..

And in today’s news – Australian solders are warned about the dangers of erectile dysfunction drugs and told they can have just four tablets a month.  The rest of the time, they will have to stand up and salute under their own steam.

A cat is found in Hobart with it’s ears chopped off.  It was seen enjoying itself last night at a Nick Cave concert.

Police were called to a brawl that broke out at Hulk Hogans’ wedding.  Security pushed a cameraman, the priest did a bionic elbow to the best man, and the bridesmaid put the mother-in-law into a dragon suplex before the bell went off.

Oprah has just adopted a small country she calls Australia.   The paperwork has all been cleared – she just needs to work out what part of her backyard she wants to put it in.

A man jumped a check-in counter and rode the luggage carousel in a bid to make his flight.  Unfortunately, baggage handlers thought he was luggage, and doctors are currently performing surgery to remove drugs shoved up his bottom.

And finally, when to give up on your hobby.  You are a fox hunter – you have a horse, all the dogs, and a big gun.  You think you get a fox, except it reaches around and shoots you with your own gun.  FAIL.    The fox was seen giving him the bird before quietly escaping back into the woods.  That's why I stick with bejewelled.  That hardly ever happens to me.

God bless all the stooooopid people..

I love the Darwin Awards.  First – it gives me something to try and avoid when my the last grains of sand fall through my hour glass.  But second, it really does explain allot in terms of some of the people you encounter in everyday life.  Not to put to fine a point on it – some people really are stooooopid.

If you haven’t come across Darwin Awards, check it out at http://darwinawards.com.    Last years nominees include that dude who had wheelchair rage, and smashed his way through the elevator door only to plunge to his death.   We also have the couple who decided to stop for ‘some loving’ – on the largest freeway in Brazil, at 6am, under heavy fog – in the lane!  Let’s hope one or both of them at least finished before the cargo truck intervened. 

Two hunters were crossing a glacier.  The first hunter fell through.  The second hunter called after him to see if he was okay.  “Yes” was the response, and so the 2^nd hunter thought his friend had found a shortcut off the glazier and jumped after him.  As he plummeted down the hundred foot drop to rocks below, he passed his friend, desperately clinging to a branch of a tree protruding from the snow.    Who would have suspected that hunters were not all packing the full lunch in their picnic baskets!

Two guys in Washington thought all that science behind rocket making was just a waste of time.  Instead, they poured four gallons of methanol into a 55 gallon drum, sat on it, and lit it up.   They thought it would send them rocketing across the car park.  Some bits of them presumably got there.

We have the chap in Romania who was welding, using a WW2 canon shell as his bench top.  That didn’t end well. 

So as we venture through this new year – add this one to your list of new years resolutions.  Try not to end up as a nominee for a Darwin Award – it'ss not the way most of us want to be posthumously remembered!

Happy New Year. And now the END OF THE WORLD!

Well.. that should get your attention.  It’s exciting times according to some Doom Sayers.. the world is coming to an end. Again.  This time, it’s the Mayan calendar that is causing the wringing of hands.  December 21, 2012 is the date – so you may want to hold back on ordering that extra large turkey in the Christmas after next.    

So the Mayans had a long Count calendar which recorded 5 x 125 year long cycles.  This calendar finishes December 21, 2012.  Now the Mayan’s didn’t predict the end of the world, or attach any other even happening in 2012 – except perhaps to remember to renew their calendar.  (Already?  Seems only 144000 days since we ordered the last one...).  But that hasn’t stopped some noodle heads of our time to read into it, and draw the only conclusion possible – THE END OF TIME.  (sorry.. cap’s lock got stuck).

I’m still getting over the fears and anxieties of the Millennium - the last time the world was meant to end.  Remember the Y2K bug?  I still think this was a covert revolution to improve the ‘value’ of geeks.   Nobody is giving wedgies to people who are stopping the planes from falling out of the sky.  And don’t forget those all important stickers on your desktop PC – “This PC is y2k compatible”.  Thank god.  Wonder what happened to the millions of pc’s around the world that didn’t have a sticker.  Oh.. that’s right.  Nothing.  Nostradamus may have predicted 1999, but he didn’t predict all the stickers, or coffee cups showing a Y2k bug.

As for baby Jesus making a comeback – he was due to return within the lifespan of those living at his time according to the New Testament.  So’s he’s running roughly 1960 years late.  Probably didn’t count on all the traffic.  The study of last days is called Christian eschatology.  You may not have heard of that – people who study this are not generally invited to parties or social gatherings as frankly they are a bit of a downer...  

Some fundamentalist’s have had the courage to predict a date.  For example, Paul Sides (13/9/2007), Mark Blitz (30/09/2008), the famous Jerry Falwell (2009) and many more.  Wrong.. wrong and.... wait for it.. wrong!  Harold Camping has had various shots at the title… but he keeps moving the date back and back.. which really is cheating.  One day, the planet will be knocked out of orbit by a drunk driving alien, and Harry will claim he was right.   (Picture him floating out to space as we lose gravity .. "I told you soooooooo".  Except.. zero gravity = zero noise.  Meh... still funny.)

My prediction is that one cannot predict such 'show stopper' events, but when they come, they certainly won’t have anything to do with a bearded man in sandals wondering who stole Christmas.  Like the dinosaurs, something will happen out of the blue, and unexpected, and we will all be turned back into carbon atoms for the next version of life on Earth.   Which reminds me..

A well known astrophysicist gives a lecture about the Sun, and talks about the fact that eventually, it will implode and become a super nova.  After the lecture a very nervous man comes up and says “Excuse me.. did you say 1 billion years or 1 million”.. The lecture responds “No.. 1 billion”.  “Oh “ replies the man “what a relief!”.

Once.. twice.. three times a .. no wait.. four times a lady..

A MAN who married four women - but did not let them know about each other - was reportedly battered to death by the wives after they discovered his secret.


Auto-rickshaw driver Yunus Bapari, 46, was apparently found out after taking two wives - who were familiar with each other - to a village fair, where they ran into his third wife.  Awkward!  The discovery that there were three wives triggered an argument - and the further revelation that Mr Bapari had a fourth wife.
The women gathered at the fourth wife's house in Kabirpur village, where they attacked Mr Bapari, beating him so viciously that he was rushed to a hospital in a critical condition. He later died.


Wow.  This one should be a contender for the Darwin Awards.  How can you know women so well as to convince four of them to marry you.. and yet, believe you can get away with quadigomy. (May not be a word yet.. Trademark!!)

I wonder what the conversation was before he died.  Questions about who he favoured most?  Who's cooking he prefered?  I bet that he thought he was going over there, and they would all get together for some weird menage-a-cinq..   the ladies had another idea.

Should they be prosecuted?  Nah..  He was clearly asking for this level of trouble, and he got it.  For the rest of us guys, watch and learn!

Spiderman.. spiderman.. falls off stages like no-one can..

Audience screams as Spider-Man musical stunt goes wrong

Picture a $65 million dollar Broadway musical based on the movie, based on the comic strip.. Spiderman leaps off the balcony to rescue the girl, but instead, plummets 30 feed down to the orchestra pit.  The audience were reported to be “surprised”.  Not as much as the orchestra I’m guessing.  Whoops.  That’s not part of the script.

Now for $65 million dollars, wouldn’t you think that you could hire actors who could improvise.  “Gosh – Spiderman has disappeared – where could he have gone in our time of need?  Never fear, Super-bucket-on-my-head Man will take on the criminal with this fire extinguisher I found back stage!”

This is the fourth such injury – and technically, the musical is still in preview mode – where they get to iron out all the bugs (no pun intended).   Fourth injury? WTF?  Sounds very suspicious to me.  I say you turn this into a ‘Murder she wrote’ musical.   Jessica Lansbury belting out a few songs written by U2 – like ‘Still haven’t found who we’re looking for’ for starters.    Dam.  This thing is practically writing itself.

Cause of the accident?  Human error.  Not robot error.  Not trick pony error.  Human error.  Bet someone sneezed at the wrong time.. or was updating their twitter account…  “Boring – 16 show in a row and all I get to do is hold this …. Whoops…”.

Also.. the man isn’t spider man.  See.. not as easy as it looks huh?  Perhaps they should of got one of those kids that does parkour..   (No.. not parketry.. that’s different).  Where they jump from building to building..  that would have definitely come in handy.  Well.. the show much go on.  The part of spider man will now be played by a real trained spider, and audience members will be given binoculars.  It’s going to blow out the budget a bit.  But, given how slow spiders move, the show will now take about 12 days, so drink sales will help cover the costs.  Break a leg!