And now for the news..

And in today’s news – Australian solders are warned about the dangers of erectile dysfunction drugs and told they can have just four tablets a month.  The rest of the time, they will have to stand up and salute under their own steam.

A cat is found in Hobart with it’s ears chopped off.  It was seen enjoying itself last night at a Nick Cave concert.

Police were called to a brawl that broke out at Hulk Hogans’ wedding.  Security pushed a cameraman, the priest did a bionic elbow to the best man, and the bridesmaid put the mother-in-law into a dragon suplex before the bell went off.

Oprah has just adopted a small country she calls Australia.   The paperwork has all been cleared – she just needs to work out what part of her backyard she wants to put it in.

A man jumped a check-in counter and rode the luggage carousel in a bid to make his flight.  Unfortunately, baggage handlers thought he was luggage, and doctors are currently performing surgery to remove drugs shoved up his bottom.

And finally, when to give up on your hobby.  You are a fox hunter – you have a horse, all the dogs, and a big gun.  You think you get a fox, except it reaches around and shoots you with your own gun.  FAIL.    The fox was seen giving him the bird before quietly escaping back into the woods.  That's why I stick with bejewelled.  That hardly ever happens to me.

God bless all the stooooopid people..

I love the Darwin Awards.  First – it gives me something to try and avoid when my the last grains of sand fall through my hour glass.  But second, it really does explain allot in terms of some of the people you encounter in everyday life.  Not to put to fine a point on it – some people really are stooooopid.

If you haven’t come across Darwin Awards, check it out at http://darwinawards.com.    Last years nominees include that dude who had wheelchair rage, and smashed his way through the elevator door only to plunge to his death.   We also have the couple who decided to stop for ‘some loving’ – on the largest freeway in Brazil, at 6am, under heavy fog – in the lane!  Let’s hope one or both of them at least finished before the cargo truck intervened. 

Two hunters were crossing a glacier.  The first hunter fell through.  The second hunter called after him to see if he was okay.  “Yes” was the response, and so the 2^nd hunter thought his friend had found a shortcut off the glazier and jumped after him.  As he plummeted down the hundred foot drop to rocks below, he passed his friend, desperately clinging to a branch of a tree protruding from the snow.    Who would have suspected that hunters were not all packing the full lunch in their picnic baskets!

Two guys in Washington thought all that science behind rocket making was just a waste of time.  Instead, they poured four gallons of methanol into a 55 gallon drum, sat on it, and lit it up.   They thought it would send them rocketing across the car park.  Some bits of them presumably got there.

We have the chap in Romania who was welding, using a WW2 canon shell as his bench top.  That didn’t end well. 

So as we venture through this new year – add this one to your list of new years resolutions.  Try not to end up as a nominee for a Darwin Award – it'ss not the way most of us want to be posthumously remembered!

Happy New Year. And now the END OF THE WORLD!

Well.. that should get your attention.  It’s exciting times according to some Doom Sayers.. the world is coming to an end. Again.  This time, it’s the Mayan calendar that is causing the wringing of hands.  December 21, 2012 is the date – so you may want to hold back on ordering that extra large turkey in the Christmas after next.    

So the Mayans had a long Count calendar which recorded 5 x 125 year long cycles.  This calendar finishes December 21, 2012.  Now the Mayan’s didn’t predict the end of the world, or attach any other even happening in 2012 – except perhaps to remember to renew their calendar.  (Already?  Seems only 144000 days since we ordered the last one...).  But that hasn’t stopped some noodle heads of our time to read into it, and draw the only conclusion possible – THE END OF TIME.  (sorry.. cap’s lock got stuck).

I’m still getting over the fears and anxieties of the Millennium - the last time the world was meant to end.  Remember the Y2K bug?  I still think this was a covert revolution to improve the ‘value’ of geeks.   Nobody is giving wedgies to people who are stopping the planes from falling out of the sky.  And don’t forget those all important stickers on your desktop PC – “This PC is y2k compatible”.  Thank god.  Wonder what happened to the millions of pc’s around the world that didn’t have a sticker.  Oh.. that’s right.  Nothing.  Nostradamus may have predicted 1999, but he didn’t predict all the stickers, or coffee cups showing a Y2k bug.

As for baby Jesus making a comeback – he was due to return within the lifespan of those living at his time according to the New Testament.  So’s he’s running roughly 1960 years late.  Probably didn’t count on all the traffic.  The study of last days is called Christian eschatology.  You may not have heard of that – people who study this are not generally invited to parties or social gatherings as frankly they are a bit of a downer...  

Some fundamentalist’s have had the courage to predict a date.  For example, Paul Sides (13/9/2007), Mark Blitz (30/09/2008), the famous Jerry Falwell (2009) and many more.  Wrong.. wrong and.... wait for it.. wrong!  Harold Camping has had various shots at the title… but he keeps moving the date back and back.. which really is cheating.  One day, the planet will be knocked out of orbit by a drunk driving alien, and Harry will claim he was right.   (Picture him floating out to space as we lose gravity .. "I told you soooooooo".  Except.. zero gravity = zero noise.  Meh... still funny.)

My prediction is that one cannot predict such 'show stopper' events, but when they come, they certainly won’t have anything to do with a bearded man in sandals wondering who stole Christmas.  Like the dinosaurs, something will happen out of the blue, and unexpected, and we will all be turned back into carbon atoms for the next version of life on Earth.   Which reminds me..

A well known astrophysicist gives a lecture about the Sun, and talks about the fact that eventually, it will implode and become a super nova.  After the lecture a very nervous man comes up and says “Excuse me.. did you say 1 billion years or 1 million”.. The lecture responds “No.. 1 billion”.  “Oh “ replies the man “what a relief!”.