Once.. twice.. three times a .. no wait.. four times a lady..

A MAN who married four women - but did not let them know about each other - was reportedly battered to death by the wives after they discovered his secret.


Auto-rickshaw driver Yunus Bapari, 46, was apparently found out after taking two wives - who were familiar with each other - to a village fair, where they ran into his third wife.  Awkward!  The discovery that there were three wives triggered an argument - and the further revelation that Mr Bapari had a fourth wife.
The women gathered at the fourth wife's house in Kabirpur village, where they attacked Mr Bapari, beating him so viciously that he was rushed to a hospital in a critical condition. He later died.


Wow.  This one should be a contender for the Darwin Awards.  How can you know women so well as to convince four of them to marry you.. and yet, believe you can get away with quadigomy. (May not be a word yet.. Trademark!!)

I wonder what the conversation was before he died.  Questions about who he favoured most?  Who's cooking he prefered?  I bet that he thought he was going over there, and they would all get together for some weird menage-a-cinq..   the ladies had another idea.

Should they be prosecuted?  Nah..  He was clearly asking for this level of trouble, and he got it.  For the rest of us guys, watch and learn!

Spiderman.. spiderman.. falls off stages like no-one can..

Audience screams as Spider-Man musical stunt goes wrong

Picture a $65 million dollar Broadway musical based on the movie, based on the comic strip.. Spiderman leaps off the balcony to rescue the girl, but instead, plummets 30 feed down to the orchestra pit.  The audience were reported to be “surprised”.  Not as much as the orchestra I’m guessing.  Whoops.  That’s not part of the script.

Now for $65 million dollars, wouldn’t you think that you could hire actors who could improvise.  “Gosh – Spiderman has disappeared – where could he have gone in our time of need?  Never fear, Super-bucket-on-my-head Man will take on the criminal with this fire extinguisher I found back stage!”

This is the fourth such injury – and technically, the musical is still in preview mode – where they get to iron out all the bugs (no pun intended).   Fourth injury? WTF?  Sounds very suspicious to me.  I say you turn this into a ‘Murder she wrote’ musical.   Jessica Lansbury belting out a few songs written by U2 – like ‘Still haven’t found who we’re looking for’ for starters.    Dam.  This thing is practically writing itself.

Cause of the accident?  Human error.  Not robot error.  Not trick pony error.  Human error.  Bet someone sneezed at the wrong time.. or was updating their twitter account…  “Boring – 16 show in a row and all I get to do is hold this …. Whoops…”.

Also.. the man isn’t spider man.  See.. not as easy as it looks huh?  Perhaps they should of got one of those kids that does parkour..   (No.. not parketry.. that’s different).  Where they jump from building to building..  that would have definitely come in handy.  Well.. the show much go on.  The part of spider man will now be played by a real trained spider, and audience members will be given binoculars.  It’s going to blow out the budget a bit.  But, given how slow spiders move, the show will now take about 12 days, so drink sales will help cover the costs.  Break a leg!

Damned Dirty Ape..

What price a life?  Well.. in this case.. $90.

TWO Baltimore men were fined today for not wearing lifejackets while they rescued a deer trapped after falling through ice into a frozen river.
The rescuers, in an inflatable boat, were instructed to get off the waterway because they weren't wearing lifejackets - but they proceeded to smash the ice to give the deer a clear pathway out.
For their troubles, and not following instructions, they were fined $90 each.

Alright – let’s get the pun out the way first.  Nobody could say the fine was… (wait for it..) dear.  But it seems frivolous.  Will it stop someone who is that way inclined?  With the disproportionate amount of
A-@holes on this planet, do we really want to discourage good deeds?  I mean – this may be foolhardy – but to risk one’s life for another animal – that’s the greatest gift of all.  (Thanks Whitney.. you made that sound a lot more corny than it needed to be). 

Oprah can give cars and holidays till the cows come home (Dam cows.. always out partying till all hours).  But the quality of the gift lies in it’s intrinsic and embedded value, not only of the recipient but the giver.  So if a bum walks up to you and offers you a dollar – that’s worth more than Richard Branson smacking you in the face with $100 just so you’ll stop trying to clean his windscreen with a dirty rag. 

Speaking of deer, my good friend is a hunter.  Not sure I understand the hunt’ when your talking about an animal the size of a horse, which doesn’t shoot back.  Where’s the risk.. the sport.. the challenge?  Crikey – even I can hit a horse for 100 yards.  It may not be the right horse.. but I’ll take one of them out.  But if I were that way inclined, I need my target to be small enough to be a challenge, and perhaps shooting back.  Like those monkeys those Taliban trained in Afghanistan. But wait.. let’s make it real interesting. Let’s sneak up on them.. they have a gun.  I have a… desert spoon.  I commando crawl up the sand dune, with my back to the sun.  The stupid monkey has no idea I’m coming.  Sneaky sneaky catchy monkey.. Closer.. closer…

Take your stinking paws of me, you damned dirty ape!  Guess he saw me coming.  Anyway.  If you see a dear caught in the ice.. be nice and pull it out.   Unless it’s stuck in your bicardi and ice, in which case.. stir it with your swizzle stick.  

You can't choose your neighbours.

So I love living where I do - middle of nowhere, where I'm free to run around in the nuddy, lot's of land to grow fruit trees to feed the dam possums, and the purest water and air on the planet (if you don't consider possum poo in the water supply as a pollutant.. which I don't.  Note to visitors.. only warning you get.).

But there is one down side. I have neighbours who.. well.. frankly.. im not keen on.  We found out we had a Tiger snake under the cattle grid a couple of months ago.  There has been one there, on and off since we lived here, and come to think of it, the last owners also warned us it was a favourite home.  Today, when I went down to look, there was two. 

How do I feel about this? Well.. obviously, Im happy for the snake.  It's a lonely walk (slither) though life if you can't share it with someone.  And to be fair, they seem to keep to themselves, and don't keep us awake all night with snakey sex.  (Hopefully they'd say the same about us.). 

It's just.. well.. I'm not keen on snakes per se. I'm what you'd call snake intolerant - I'd even admit to being Snakist..  And now, I have 200 percent more snake to worry about.  That's a big jump!    We should have suspected we had a new neighbour - Kylie pulled a snake skin out of the grass near the cattle grid which was over 1 metre long - and I said 'Hmm.. didnt think our snake was that big".  Wait for the penny to drop.. wait.. wait.. nope.  No penny - until today when I see them both.  And the new one - the longer one actually came out from under the cattle grid to look at me as if to say 'What are you looking at fat boy?'.

Well.. you can't pick your neighbours I guess - and to be honest, these one's are nicer than the ferrals we lived next door to in Sydney - but that's another story. 

p.s.  when I went back to get my camera.. the 2nd one had dissapeared. OH WAIT -  IT'S BEHIND YOU!!!  Just kidding.

p.p.s  a guy in WA was bitten on the toe by a tiger snake a couple of weeks ago, whilst sitting at his computer.  The snake was only 30 centimetres long - and the man died because he delayed seeking treatment.  Dam internet porn strikes again.

p.p.p.s Tiger snakes are not regarded as aggresive, but are one of the deadliest in the world.  Not aggresive.. that is until they've had a couple of drinky poos!

Good lessons to learn..

A Swedish couple’s have learnt what most other people already know – don’t bring a knife to a sex act.  The man cut her stockings with the knife and then passed it to her – and she stabbed him (accidentally) in the thigh.  Hmm.. not in the mood perhaps?  He went to hospital, and she was arrested on suspicion of aggravated assault but was later released.   

Speaking of alligators (yeah.. remember last blog?) a Florida boy aged 8m donated his pet turtle to the local aquarium, only to watch it be eaten by an alligator.  The boy allegedly shouted “on no alligator, let it go!”  The Alligator didn’t reply because obviously.. not polite to talk with your mouth full.  No good turn goes unpunished kid.  Wow.. think of the psychological issues that kid will have to deal with in the future.

When I was around 8 or 9, my little girlfriend (we lived in the country.. started young), gave me a baby chick for Christmas.  I kept it in a box in my bed room.  One night, there was a storm, so I brought it into bed with me.  The next morning.. I wake up and… squished chicken.  I was distraught.  And that’s why I don’t let chickens sleep over any more.    Also, my wife complains about the feathers.

But as I grow older I reflect on what that incident did to my psyche.  Maybe that’s why I have sleep apnoea now.. maybe my snoring is a subconscious warning bell to all squish able animals. “Flee.. flee now before the fat man rolls over’. 

So a few years later, I worked at the local chicken farm.  These birds grew from chicks to full grown in approximately 12 weeks.. they were fed god knows what, and just grew super fast.  Sometimes, their little tickers couldn’t handle it, and they would have little chicken heart attacks.  When this happened, we would reach over, grab the writhing chook and snap it’s neck.  That was then.. perhaps now days, they perform cardiac compressions and mouth to beak resuscitation.  Medicine has certainly come a long way. 

I like to think, some twenty years later that I have reached a good balance.  Most of our hens live long and contented lives, and die of old age.  Some of the roosters aren’t that lucky – but I take no joy in dispatching them off to the big chicken run in the sky, where I like to believe they all have 42 fresh hen’s waiting for them.  So kid, you may have lost a turtle, but one day, you may be a turtle farmer.. and reflect on how you lost your first turtle to a crocodile with a smile.  Or you may end up being some kind of freaking psychopath who dresses up like a ninja turtle, and goes on a rampage through your local Lacoste factory.   Probably the latter.

Cricket balls...

How big are cricket balls?  Good question.  Apparently.. pretty gosh darn big.  The Tuberous bush cricket (see photo if age over 18), has testes that amount to 13.8 per cent of it’s body mass.  (If he was a human that would be the equivalent of 10 kilo testicles - or the size of a tyre.)

Apparently this is the only cricket that doesn’t jump – but just walks tentatively around very very very carefully.  Okay.. that’s not true, but you’d have to assume a certain sensitivity around that region. Perhaps that is why cricket’s have such a high chirping sound. 

Here’s a tip for you.  If a scientist is about to poke your testicles with a sharp thing.. your day is just about to get worse.  And why is he smiling like that?  This guy enjoys his work far to much.  Bet he used to tear the wings of flies when he was a kid.  Someone told me that if you tore one wing of a fly, it would just go in circles.  How do you tell the difference?  They all just fly around in circles.  Maybe they would fly in a straight line.  Okay – there is your homework.  Go find out and report back.

Here’s a fun fact.  You can tell the temperature by counting cricket chirps.  Go outside at night, and count the number of chirps a cricket makes in a 15 second period.  Then add 40 and this is the temperature in degree’s Fahrenheit.  Now divide by the first number you thought of, add the date of your birth day, and round down to the nearest 10.  That is a random number.  Fascinating huh?

A cricket is omnivorous.. they eat everything.  But their favourite food is rotten fruit, leaves, and a chicken Caesar salad if the anchovies are removed first.  Finally, crickets have their ear like sound receptors on their legs.  And this explains the common phrase ‘talk to the legs, because the testicles don’t want to hear it no more’.  Class dismissed.

Airline food vs shark food.

Today’s news talked of a chemical scare at the Qantas Catering building near Mascot airport.   400 people were evacuated and 8 were taken to hospital as a precaution. This should come as no surprise - have you not tasted airline food?   

Some sharks in Egypt have been gnawing on the tourists, with a 5 attacks in one week.  The last attack was an elderly German lady who died after being bitten on the thigh and arm.  What is of concern is the comments by the Tourism Minister who said:

"We are getting marine biologists from abroad to assess the situation and why there was this change in biological nature," said Garana, referring to the repeated attacks, which one expert called unprecedented.
"This is unnatural. It has never happened before," he said. "We have no explanation."

Are you freaking kidding me?  This is perfectly natural.  Sharks eat meat – and guess what? We are meat.  It would be unnatural if the woman attacked the shark.  That would be unnatural.  Or if they woman and shark sat down for a nice vegan meal.  That would be unnatural.   And repeated attacks being unprecedented?  Have you not seen those nature documentaries Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3-d and Jaws: The Revenge???   We like to think we are top of the totem pole when it comes to the food chain but in reality, something eats’ every one of us when we die.. And occasionally, something eats’ someone before hand. Don’t take it personally.. It’s just nature.

Look.. if it makes you feel any better.. Here is a photo of a 5m saltwater crocodile eating a bull shark at Kakadu National Park in the Northern Territory.   What goes around comes around.   I think I know what happened here.  The river is called the Alligator River.  The shark probably thought.. “Alligators? They’re the little one’s right? No problemo.”  And then.. chomp. 

Schadenfreude and the lemmings

Another stampede reported today – this time in China.  Scenario: Over 100 students running down a narrow stairwell, and an 8 year old girl at the front stops to tie her shoe lace.  Result: 41 students hospitalised.  Whoops. Not funny.. but.. well.. a little funny.  Think its called schadenfreude.  And let’s face it – we’ve all taken turns being the 8 year old.  Just not normally with such severe results.  An interesting side note is that over 120 students went to hospital.  More kids went to hospital than were involved in the accident.  Apparently they saw the ambulances, and just piled in.  Now if the first incident didn’t make the word ‘lemming’ spring into your head, surely the second does.

Have you ever been running up stairs with your hands in your pockets and then tripped?  No..? Well me neither then..

Schadenfreude – glee at another’s misfortune.  Why do we feel that?  (And be honest – everyone does.)  Funniest home videos is based on it.  Half of YouTube.. the non-pornographic half mostly (though not always.. “You’ve got what stuck where???”).  It’s also referred to as ‘morose delectation’ – and was actually a sin.. so it has that going for it too! 

The antonym is freudenschade – a word invented to mean sorrow at another person’s success. Although, according to Wikipedia, the word doesn’t existing in German (and neither does sorrow…  Wacky Germans).

 
I had a boss once who, whilst riding a bike, ran into the back of a car, and put his head through the back windshield.  That was very funny.  And then we found out that he’d done it before.  And I admit.. I laughed till I cried.  Don’t worry.. he lived.  I have a grin on my face just typing this.  Ah… good times!

p.s  Lemmings don't actually mass suicide.  They just mass exodus, and this sometimes means jumping off cliffs.  Same result, but it's all about intent.  Besides...  suicide is also a sin.