Once.. twice.. three times a .. no wait.. four times a lady..

A MAN who married four women - but did not let them know about each other - was reportedly battered to death by the wives after they discovered his secret.


Auto-rickshaw driver Yunus Bapari, 46, was apparently found out after taking two wives - who were familiar with each other - to a village fair, where they ran into his third wife.  Awkward!  The discovery that there were three wives triggered an argument - and the further revelation that Mr Bapari had a fourth wife.
The women gathered at the fourth wife's house in Kabirpur village, where they attacked Mr Bapari, beating him so viciously that he was rushed to a hospital in a critical condition. He later died.


Wow.  This one should be a contender for the Darwin Awards.  How can you know women so well as to convince four of them to marry you.. and yet, believe you can get away with quadigomy. (May not be a word yet.. Trademark!!)

I wonder what the conversation was before he died.  Questions about who he favoured most?  Who's cooking he prefered?  I bet that he thought he was going over there, and they would all get together for some weird menage-a-cinq..   the ladies had another idea.

Should they be prosecuted?  Nah..  He was clearly asking for this level of trouble, and he got it.  For the rest of us guys, watch and learn!

Spiderman.. spiderman.. falls off stages like no-one can..

Audience screams as Spider-Man musical stunt goes wrong

Picture a $65 million dollar Broadway musical based on the movie, based on the comic strip.. Spiderman leaps off the balcony to rescue the girl, but instead, plummets 30 feed down to the orchestra pit.  The audience were reported to be “surprised”.  Not as much as the orchestra I’m guessing.  Whoops.  That’s not part of the script.

Now for $65 million dollars, wouldn’t you think that you could hire actors who could improvise.  “Gosh – Spiderman has disappeared – where could he have gone in our time of need?  Never fear, Super-bucket-on-my-head Man will take on the criminal with this fire extinguisher I found back stage!”

This is the fourth such injury – and technically, the musical is still in preview mode – where they get to iron out all the bugs (no pun intended).   Fourth injury? WTF?  Sounds very suspicious to me.  I say you turn this into a ‘Murder she wrote’ musical.   Jessica Lansbury belting out a few songs written by U2 – like ‘Still haven’t found who we’re looking for’ for starters.    Dam.  This thing is practically writing itself.

Cause of the accident?  Human error.  Not robot error.  Not trick pony error.  Human error.  Bet someone sneezed at the wrong time.. or was updating their twitter account…  “Boring – 16 show in a row and all I get to do is hold this …. Whoops…”.

Also.. the man isn’t spider man.  See.. not as easy as it looks huh?  Perhaps they should of got one of those kids that does parkour..   (No.. not parketry.. that’s different).  Where they jump from building to building..  that would have definitely come in handy.  Well.. the show much go on.  The part of spider man will now be played by a real trained spider, and audience members will be given binoculars.  It’s going to blow out the budget a bit.  But, given how slow spiders move, the show will now take about 12 days, so drink sales will help cover the costs.  Break a leg!

Damned Dirty Ape..

What price a life?  Well.. in this case.. $90.

TWO Baltimore men were fined today for not wearing lifejackets while they rescued a deer trapped after falling through ice into a frozen river.
The rescuers, in an inflatable boat, were instructed to get off the waterway because they weren't wearing lifejackets - but they proceeded to smash the ice to give the deer a clear pathway out.
For their troubles, and not following instructions, they were fined $90 each.

Alright – let’s get the pun out the way first.  Nobody could say the fine was… (wait for it..) dear.  But it seems frivolous.  Will it stop someone who is that way inclined?  With the disproportionate amount of
A-@holes on this planet, do we really want to discourage good deeds?  I mean – this may be foolhardy – but to risk one’s life for another animal – that’s the greatest gift of all.  (Thanks Whitney.. you made that sound a lot more corny than it needed to be). 

Oprah can give cars and holidays till the cows come home (Dam cows.. always out partying till all hours).  But the quality of the gift lies in it’s intrinsic and embedded value, not only of the recipient but the giver.  So if a bum walks up to you and offers you a dollar – that’s worth more than Richard Branson smacking you in the face with $100 just so you’ll stop trying to clean his windscreen with a dirty rag. 

Speaking of deer, my good friend is a hunter.  Not sure I understand the hunt’ when your talking about an animal the size of a horse, which doesn’t shoot back.  Where’s the risk.. the sport.. the challenge?  Crikey – even I can hit a horse for 100 yards.  It may not be the right horse.. but I’ll take one of them out.  But if I were that way inclined, I need my target to be small enough to be a challenge, and perhaps shooting back.  Like those monkeys those Taliban trained in Afghanistan. But wait.. let’s make it real interesting. Let’s sneak up on them.. they have a gun.  I have a… desert spoon.  I commando crawl up the sand dune, with my back to the sun.  The stupid monkey has no idea I’m coming.  Sneaky sneaky catchy monkey.. Closer.. closer…

Take your stinking paws of me, you damned dirty ape!  Guess he saw me coming.  Anyway.  If you see a dear caught in the ice.. be nice and pull it out.   Unless it’s stuck in your bicardi and ice, in which case.. stir it with your swizzle stick.  

You can't choose your neighbours.

So I love living where I do - middle of nowhere, where I'm free to run around in the nuddy, lot's of land to grow fruit trees to feed the dam possums, and the purest water and air on the planet (if you don't consider possum poo in the water supply as a pollutant.. which I don't.  Note to visitors.. only warning you get.).

But there is one down side. I have neighbours who.. well.. frankly.. im not keen on.  We found out we had a Tiger snake under the cattle grid a couple of months ago.  There has been one there, on and off since we lived here, and come to think of it, the last owners also warned us it was a favourite home.  Today, when I went down to look, there was two. 

How do I feel about this? Well.. obviously, Im happy for the snake.  It's a lonely walk (slither) though life if you can't share it with someone.  And to be fair, they seem to keep to themselves, and don't keep us awake all night with snakey sex.  (Hopefully they'd say the same about us.). 

It's just.. well.. I'm not keen on snakes per se. I'm what you'd call snake intolerant - I'd even admit to being Snakist..  And now, I have 200 percent more snake to worry about.  That's a big jump!    We should have suspected we had a new neighbour - Kylie pulled a snake skin out of the grass near the cattle grid which was over 1 metre long - and I said 'Hmm.. didnt think our snake was that big".  Wait for the penny to drop.. wait.. wait.. nope.  No penny - until today when I see them both.  And the new one - the longer one actually came out from under the cattle grid to look at me as if to say 'What are you looking at fat boy?'.

Well.. you can't pick your neighbours I guess - and to be honest, these one's are nicer than the ferrals we lived next door to in Sydney - but that's another story. 

p.s.  when I went back to get my camera.. the 2nd one had dissapeared. OH WAIT -  IT'S BEHIND YOU!!!  Just kidding.

p.p.s  a guy in WA was bitten on the toe by a tiger snake a couple of weeks ago, whilst sitting at his computer.  The snake was only 30 centimetres long - and the man died because he delayed seeking treatment.  Dam internet porn strikes again.

p.p.p.s Tiger snakes are not regarded as aggresive, but are one of the deadliest in the world.  Not aggresive.. that is until they've had a couple of drinky poos!

Good lessons to learn..

A Swedish couple’s have learnt what most other people already know – don’t bring a knife to a sex act.  The man cut her stockings with the knife and then passed it to her – and she stabbed him (accidentally) in the thigh.  Hmm.. not in the mood perhaps?  He went to hospital, and she was arrested on suspicion of aggravated assault but was later released.   

Speaking of alligators (yeah.. remember last blog?) a Florida boy aged 8m donated his pet turtle to the local aquarium, only to watch it be eaten by an alligator.  The boy allegedly shouted “on no alligator, let it go!”  The Alligator didn’t reply because obviously.. not polite to talk with your mouth full.  No good turn goes unpunished kid.  Wow.. think of the psychological issues that kid will have to deal with in the future.

When I was around 8 or 9, my little girlfriend (we lived in the country.. started young), gave me a baby chick for Christmas.  I kept it in a box in my bed room.  One night, there was a storm, so I brought it into bed with me.  The next morning.. I wake up and… squished chicken.  I was distraught.  And that’s why I don’t let chickens sleep over any more.    Also, my wife complains about the feathers.

But as I grow older I reflect on what that incident did to my psyche.  Maybe that’s why I have sleep apnoea now.. maybe my snoring is a subconscious warning bell to all squish able animals. “Flee.. flee now before the fat man rolls over’. 

So a few years later, I worked at the local chicken farm.  These birds grew from chicks to full grown in approximately 12 weeks.. they were fed god knows what, and just grew super fast.  Sometimes, their little tickers couldn’t handle it, and they would have little chicken heart attacks.  When this happened, we would reach over, grab the writhing chook and snap it’s neck.  That was then.. perhaps now days, they perform cardiac compressions and mouth to beak resuscitation.  Medicine has certainly come a long way. 

I like to think, some twenty years later that I have reached a good balance.  Most of our hens live long and contented lives, and die of old age.  Some of the roosters aren’t that lucky – but I take no joy in dispatching them off to the big chicken run in the sky, where I like to believe they all have 42 fresh hen’s waiting for them.  So kid, you may have lost a turtle, but one day, you may be a turtle farmer.. and reflect on how you lost your first turtle to a crocodile with a smile.  Or you may end up being some kind of freaking psychopath who dresses up like a ninja turtle, and goes on a rampage through your local Lacoste factory.   Probably the latter.

Cricket balls...

How big are cricket balls?  Good question.  Apparently.. pretty gosh darn big.  The Tuberous bush cricket (see photo if age over 18), has testes that amount to 13.8 per cent of it’s body mass.  (If he was a human that would be the equivalent of 10 kilo testicles - or the size of a tyre.)

Apparently this is the only cricket that doesn’t jump – but just walks tentatively around very very very carefully.  Okay.. that’s not true, but you’d have to assume a certain sensitivity around that region. Perhaps that is why cricket’s have such a high chirping sound. 

Here’s a tip for you.  If a scientist is about to poke your testicles with a sharp thing.. your day is just about to get worse.  And why is he smiling like that?  This guy enjoys his work far to much.  Bet he used to tear the wings of flies when he was a kid.  Someone told me that if you tore one wing of a fly, it would just go in circles.  How do you tell the difference?  They all just fly around in circles.  Maybe they would fly in a straight line.  Okay – there is your homework.  Go find out and report back.

Here’s a fun fact.  You can tell the temperature by counting cricket chirps.  Go outside at night, and count the number of chirps a cricket makes in a 15 second period.  Then add 40 and this is the temperature in degree’s Fahrenheit.  Now divide by the first number you thought of, add the date of your birth day, and round down to the nearest 10.  That is a random number.  Fascinating huh?

A cricket is omnivorous.. they eat everything.  But their favourite food is rotten fruit, leaves, and a chicken Caesar salad if the anchovies are removed first.  Finally, crickets have their ear like sound receptors on their legs.  And this explains the common phrase ‘talk to the legs, because the testicles don’t want to hear it no more’.  Class dismissed.

Airline food vs shark food.

Today’s news talked of a chemical scare at the Qantas Catering building near Mascot airport.   400 people were evacuated and 8 were taken to hospital as a precaution. This should come as no surprise - have you not tasted airline food?   

Some sharks in Egypt have been gnawing on the tourists, with a 5 attacks in one week.  The last attack was an elderly German lady who died after being bitten on the thigh and arm.  What is of concern is the comments by the Tourism Minister who said:

"We are getting marine biologists from abroad to assess the situation and why there was this change in biological nature," said Garana, referring to the repeated attacks, which one expert called unprecedented.
"This is unnatural. It has never happened before," he said. "We have no explanation."

Are you freaking kidding me?  This is perfectly natural.  Sharks eat meat – and guess what? We are meat.  It would be unnatural if the woman attacked the shark.  That would be unnatural.  Or if they woman and shark sat down for a nice vegan meal.  That would be unnatural.   And repeated attacks being unprecedented?  Have you not seen those nature documentaries Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3-d and Jaws: The Revenge???   We like to think we are top of the totem pole when it comes to the food chain but in reality, something eats’ every one of us when we die.. And occasionally, something eats’ someone before hand. Don’t take it personally.. It’s just nature.

Look.. if it makes you feel any better.. Here is a photo of a 5m saltwater crocodile eating a bull shark at Kakadu National Park in the Northern Territory.   What goes around comes around.   I think I know what happened here.  The river is called the Alligator River.  The shark probably thought.. “Alligators? They’re the little one’s right? No problemo.”  And then.. chomp. 

Schadenfreude and the lemmings

Another stampede reported today – this time in China.  Scenario: Over 100 students running down a narrow stairwell, and an 8 year old girl at the front stops to tie her shoe lace.  Result: 41 students hospitalised.  Whoops. Not funny.. but.. well.. a little funny.  Think its called schadenfreude.  And let’s face it – we’ve all taken turns being the 8 year old.  Just not normally with such severe results.  An interesting side note is that over 120 students went to hospital.  More kids went to hospital than were involved in the accident.  Apparently they saw the ambulances, and just piled in.  Now if the first incident didn’t make the word ‘lemming’ spring into your head, surely the second does.

Have you ever been running up stairs with your hands in your pockets and then tripped?  No..? Well me neither then..

Schadenfreude – glee at another’s misfortune.  Why do we feel that?  (And be honest – everyone does.)  Funniest home videos is based on it.  Half of YouTube.. the non-pornographic half mostly (though not always.. “You’ve got what stuck where???”).  It’s also referred to as ‘morose delectation’ – and was actually a sin.. so it has that going for it too! 

The antonym is freudenschade – a word invented to mean sorrow at another person’s success. Although, according to Wikipedia, the word doesn’t existing in German (and neither does sorrow…  Wacky Germans).

 
I had a boss once who, whilst riding a bike, ran into the back of a car, and put his head through the back windshield.  That was very funny.  And then we found out that he’d done it before.  And I admit.. I laughed till I cried.  Don’t worry.. he lived.  I have a grin on my face just typing this.  Ah… good times!

p.s  Lemmings don't actually mass suicide.  They just mass exodus, and this sometimes means jumping off cliffs.  Same result, but it's all about intent.  Besides...  suicide is also a sin. 

Bacon, Bees, Buzz and Brewster..

Had to rescue my pig last night ‘Cheesy Bacon’ who was caught up in the electric fence wire.  I know .. I’m probably your hero now right?  Full disclosure – I only own half of Cheesy Bacon – my buddy own’s the other half.  I prefer the front bit..  When Cheesy gets a little older, he is going to Gordie’s for a sleepover and hopefully make sweet piggy love to his two girl pigs.  “I’m here to clean your pool.. your mud pool!” Chickachica chow….

What happened to all the punks?  I saw one today and I was surprised at how surprised I was.  Do you think it was the hit NBC show Punky Brewster for two years in the mid 80’s that really ruined it for the punk scene?  I don’t really think she was that punk to be honest.  I don’t remember any of the episodes specifically.. did she ever bite the head of a chicken?

Incidentally, Punky Brewster had an episode three weeks after the space shuttle disaster where they had Buzz Aldrin come on and explain the perils of being an explorer.  They do say that you are more likely to have an accident at the very beginning or the very end of your trip.. guess the same applies to space shuttles.  Buzz was also trying to promote the young astronaut program.. yeah – good luck with that Buzz.  Apparently, the episode was handled with allot of sensitivity – that is until Punky Brewster head butted Buzz, and kicked him in the crotch with her Doc Martins.

I’m eating chocolate crackles.  They are payment for a computer job I haven’t started yet.  I hope I can fix this computer, or I shall have to return the chocolate crackles.   God.  I hate performance anxiety.

Bees have 5 eyes.  What’s that about?  I can understand an even number.. but an odd number?  Freaks!

What will we do when the clowns are gone..?

Sad day today with the news that comedy great Leslie Nielsen died aged 84.  Naked Gun and Flying High are still two of my favourites.   With Nielsen and Greg Geraldo dead so close apart, the world is just a little less silly unfortunately. 

On a lighter note – have you ever wondered how those zany creationists can accept the presence of dinosaurs, and yet hold to the theory that the earth is only 6000 years old?  Well.. wonder no more.  Three words:  dinosaurs on ark.  That’s right – the creation museum in Petersburg, Kentucky explains it all, and it’s all perfectly logical.  You see, Moses got two of every animal, including dinosaurs, onto the big boat.  Now – I see you roll your eyes.  How can a big T, let alone two get aboard a man made boat.  Well.. they weren’t all full size ya silly billly.  They were baby dinosaurs.    Jesus loves baby dinosaurs.  

Dinosaurs on the Ark

Saw an interesting sight on the weekend.  A gang of bikies (sorry.. not suggesting anything.. how about.. a loose association based on mutual enjoyment of motorbikes, loose women and crime) rolled into town this weekend, and I found myself stuck in the middle of the street waiting for them to park.  Have you ever noticed that they all look very menacing in their black leathers, bandana’s and bowling ball helmets… right up to the point that they have to do tippy toe their bikes backwards into to a car park..    The soundtrack in my head goes from Wild One, to the Nutcracker suite.  Tippy tippy toe.. tippy toe..  Don’t dwop dat heavy bikey wikey…

Okay.  Too far?  Don’t kill me.

Snake update.  Still there.  Still big.  Don’t kill me.

Did you hear about this?  An Indian co-pilot sent a Boeing 737 into a terrifying nosedive when he adjusted his seat..  “Sorry! My bad!”.   The pilot had stopped out for a toilet break, and couldn’t get back into the cockpit.  The pilot finally got back in, and was able to wrestle control back over the aircraft.     References people.. references!   Reminds me of why I stopped learning to fly.  Know your limitations. 

In related news, a woman stripped nude during a flight, and was restrained before being taken into custody on a Delta airlines flight.  She was not charged – and nor should she.  Unless she was fat and/or ugly.

And finally, an audit by the Department of Energy has determined one small ‘potential vulnerability’ in the handling of nuclear missiles.  The  people transporting them have been found to be drunk on the job!   Well.. perhaps if you thought that the next pothole you hit could be your last, you’d want a little something to settle the nerves. 

Weekly Wrap

Been a bit slack this week with posts - so thought I'd do a wrap up today. 

First - as you know.. I like to watch people.  No.. not in a creepy way.. promise!  Two sights this week that I haven't seen before..   The first was watching a man waiting for an elevator.. the door opens.. and in the lift was a group of Buddhist Monks all dressed in robes.  The guy waiting did a very obvious double take before tentatively getting in the lift.  That would be one spiritual ride man..   Reminds me of a Buddhist quote.  "All know the way.. but few actually walk it".  Apparently some take the lift.

Second was a bike rider, stopped at the traffic lights.  Two police officers on bikes rode up beside him, and he didnt notice.  He then casually looks to his side, and nearly fell off his bike when the policeman said hello.  I was waiting for a bike chase, but unfortunately, that didnt ensue.  Also, the soundtrack to Benny Hill was just in my head.

Today's news had a group of ten in a fitness class, plus the trainer, get caught in the surf, and have to get pulled in by lifesavers.  That is one tough trainer.. "Come on.. it's not doing you any good unless you can feel the pain!!  FEEL THE PAIN!!...  No - wait.  Don't take them back to the beach, we haven't finished our session yet!".

We have Gojira - a fancy, space aged boat, heading out to tackle the whalers again this season.  As you recall, last year ended with a sunk boat, and an arrested protester.  This year.. bigger boat.. and Michelle Rodriguez - so umm.. sorry.  Mind wandered..

Anyway - the name Gojira is actually Japanese for Godzilla - so if this all ends with the girl falling in love with the boat, but the boat getting sunk.. well.. they were kind of asking for it.  We haven't been advised if the Japanese are bringing their largest fishing boat.. King Kong.  Good luck peeps.. save the whales!

Finally, MI6 has been embarrassed by an imposter.  They paid Mullah Akhtar Mohammad Mansour lots of money because they thought he was a high level Taliban leader who could negotiate with both sides.  Turns out he is either just a lowly commander, a shopkeeper, or just some guy with a beard.  Reference checks people.. reference checks!

In local news, we have a tiger snake under the cattle grid, who seems to have a love hate relationship with my wife.  "I can see you!."  Snake slithers.. "I can still see you"... Snake slithers some more...  I'm not jealous.   Hot house has a cover now, and we can start to 'renovate' inside.  Exam's and assignments over for this study period.. and.. wait for it.. Week 1 of next study period starts Monday.  Have a great weekend.

Sexist Email Scandal

Pricewaterhousecoopers (PWC) has taken a hit in the PR front this week when an inappropriate privately circulated email went public!

"The email was originally shared by 17 male colleagues, discussing the physical merits of 13 new female workers, thought to have joined recently as trainee accountants or associates.

The email, complete with photos of the women, had the subject line ‘this would be my shortlist for the top 10’.

Yowsers!  At a previous company I worked for, over a dozen employee's were sacked for exchanging sexually explicit emails - some were very long term employee's.  

We've all been there - opened up an email sent from a friend only to find something really rude, crude or offensive on the screen.  If they are funny - they can actually make my day but I'm not easily offended.

The point is not to forward it on.  I have another friend who keeps sending me those emails warning about how illegal immigrants are stealing jobs, being given free cars, and luxury mansions whilst the rest of us struggle here on .. well.. struggle street.   Scary undertones in those emails - I keep looking for swastikas at the bottom. 

And then my other non-favourite email (other than spam) are those 'pass this on' ones.  They are either fictitious warnings or hoax's.  Some that stick in my memory..

• Send this email to ten friends, and you will receive a new (laptop, blackberry, Iphone) etc.
• If you are being mugged at the ATM, put your pin number in backwards.  This will notify the police.  (Unless your pin number is like..  1111... in which case.. your screwed).
• Backpackers waking up in a bath full of ice and a note that says 'Ring the police now'..   Someone really should check out that 'Organs 'R' Us' store.. some really shady characters work there..
• Send this email to make the Make a Wish Foundation and they will give 1$ to little jimmy... (this one made me a bit mad.. people... let's keep the not for profits out of our little games okay??).
•  If you don't send this email to 10 friends, you don't support the troops in Iraq. (Really?  What about those people who didn’t get the email? What about those people who don't have 10 friends.. or Nana who doesn’t know how to forward on?  Dam Communists the lot of em!)

I usually reply to these emails with the appropriate reference from Snopes.com - but probably to no avail.

 Let's face it - if an email is any good, it will get forwarded on.  If it needs to tell you to pass on to all your friends - it's probably full of lies, tripe or superstitious mumbo jumbo.  TRASH IT!

Tweeting is for twits.. not terrorists..

So this guys tweet's that he is going to blow up an airport if they didnt reopen in time for his flight.    South Yorkshire police stepped in and arrested him.  The courts turned down his appeal - so now there is a large internet frenzy of supporters. 

Over 5000 people have sent fake warning messages in solidarity of this guy - including the words "IamSpartacus" - a reference to Stanley Kubrick’s movie in the 60's where all the slaves stood up and said .. well.. I am Spartacus.   (For those too young to see the movie - picture the scene from Dead Poets Society where all the kids stood on desks..  Or even more recently, Being John Malkovich if this guy was making money, and the plot was written by someone on hallucinogens.

So I think we can agree this guy is guilty of poor judgement - most reasonable people know you can't make jokes like this in a post 9/11 world.  But should he be criminally charged?  Is it reasonable to assume he was only joking?  Perhaps - but then we have the subjectivity question.  Should possible threats be ignored if a policemen decides it's only a joke?

To those who think that is unreasonable, consider this.  In Queensland in 2007, 11 million calls were made to emergency services and 60% of those were prank, unmercenary or misdialled calls.  So there is subjectivity already required.  Does that support his case or work against it?

Well it would suggest that he could argue that it was obvious that he was joking - who would tweet such a thing if they really intended to bomb the airport.  The 'reasonableness' argument would say that most 'reasonable' people would not react to the message by raising alarms.

On the flip side, if an Agency admitted to ignoring such threats because they were categorized as jokes, they would surely leave themselves open to criticism, particularly in the event of a bombing.  This seems to suggest that, reasonable or not, the authorities have a defensible case that they did not regard this as a joke in this instance. 

Unfortunately, the protest of the internet in 'spamming' the twittersphere, whilst interesting from a cultural perspective, may mean that any real threats from now on will have a greater level of scepticism applied.  Is that necessarily a good thing?  I guess it’s a bit of a catch 22 situation much like the cartoon’s of Muhammad.  Is it someone’s right to joke around about bombing airports on twitter?  Perhaps.  Should they? Of course not..

Cruise ship.. just like Gilligan's Island.

The report came out today of the stranded cruise ship Splendor stuck of the California coastline. The passengers said it was just like being on Gilligan's Island because the food tasted like 'feces', the passengers were corralled on the decks, and had no access to toilets.

Now that doesn't make me jump to the conclusion that the ship was just like Gilligan's Island, but a little more research revealed the following.

Right before the fire, the captain was calling his second mate little buddy, but just after the fire, the captain took off his hat, and slapped his second mate in the head.
The coast guard were contact by a strange contraption that consisted of an exercise bike, two coconuts, and bamboo pole.
For the 5 days that the ship was stranded, they kept getting strange visitors, including a mad German scientist, a large gorilla, and a famous movie director.  Alas, none of the visitors kept their promise to get help.

After 5 days, the cruise ship was towed back to port.  Strangely, to celebrate the rescue, the entire cruise ship hired another cruise ship, and haven't been seen off since.

Art

I don't know art - but I know what I like!

Be careful what you wish for..

Only 5 percent of DNA is used to make protein, which is the core function.  The rest is in support of that function.  The ‘sharp end’ of most organisms, or indeed organisations has a large ‘back end’ of support.  So often, we see reports in the newspaper of how the public service is overly heavy with support staff, at the expense of the front line staff.  As a public servant now, I’m in a good position to consider that claim in context.   This is usually one of those populous statements, but with some truth to it.  However, there are some details that are left out, which can be misleading.

For example, within a Health Department, statistics will usually refer to clinicians (ie, nurses, doctors, allied health professionals), and then anyone else falls under the banner of ‘bureaucrats’.  Bureaucrats, a loaded term if ever there was one, are painted as the ‘fat’ of the department, somehow wasting tax payers money with their existence, and offering no benefit to the patients.  But who is in this bureaucrat category?

Cleaners ensure not only general cleanliness but infection control is maintained.  Food Service staff feed the army of bed ridden patients.  Medical Orderlies transport patients, turn them so they don’t get bed sores, and perform a million other tasks that would otherwise be left to clinicians.  Someone has to pay staff, recruit new staff, ensure training and accreditation is up to speed.  A patient’s life can depend on how quickly a Doctor can determine a patient’s history – so medical records staff is critical.  Policy wonks, or those that look at strategies ensure resources are applied where they are best needed, and typically form the links between disparate parts of the Department.

My point is, there are areas that are not efficient, or could do with some trimming in every organisation – but to suggest that any of the ‘bureaucrat’ groups could be removed without having a critical effect on patient care is ignorant.  A Hospital with only doctors and nurses would not function.  It’s as logical as Qantas only having aircrew.  Question the validity of the claims made in these reports, or better yet, go visit a hospital and see the important job done by these so called bureaucrats.

Wanna bet?

"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavour upon the business known as gambling."

—      Ambrose Bierce

So the race that stops the nation, the Melbourne Cup, is on today.  I don’t really get into it, but I don’t begrudge those that do.  This two mile, or 3200 metre race, held on the first Tuesday in November, has been held since 1861.  Although a public holiday in Victoria only, it seems to make the rest of the country grind to a near halt, with business’s all over stopping to watch the race. 

According to the ABS, in 2004-5, the net takings from gambling were $15.5 billion, with just over half of that coming from poker machines.  Over 76 thousand people were employed in the provision of gambling services but I don’t think that counts people who make hats.

The International Monetary Fund estimated that large U.S. and European banks lost more than $1 trillion on toxic assets and from bad loans from January 2007 to September 2009. These losses are expected to top $2.8 trillion from 2007-10. U.S. banks losses were forecast to hit $1 trillion and European bank losses will reach $1.6 trillion.

I guess for me, the perils of gambling are certainly there, but there is a real subjectivity about what we call gambling.   I would estimate more people have lost their house in the USA this past few years from banking foreclosures etc, far more than ‘gambling’.    Anyway, for me, I’ll wait till they are riding something a bit more interesting than horses.  (Pictures courtesty of Freakingnews.com)

 

He ain't heavy.. he's e coli..

It’s pretty amazing what behaviours are common between the biggest mammal, and the smallest microbe.  Scientist have shown that colonies of bacteria grow to a certain size, and the collectively, they shoot out a toxin that will halt the growth of rival colonies so that they defend the bacteria. So these colonies are super organisms – are almost like a tribe.  What’s amazing is that certain cells will sacrifice themselves for the sake of their own colony.  A few bacteria will switch on certain genes and make toxins, swelling.. swelling.. swelling until they explode and shower the toxins around.  Their colony is impervious, but it spells death for neighbouring colonies.

Is anyone else thinking what Im thinking?  This is like micro versions of suicide bombers in the West Bank but happening in stomachs and Petri dishes across the planet!

But these colonies also communicate with one another.  E coli send and receive information to make a group decision to create biofilm – a glue like substance that forms a microbial city.  This has the benefit of letting all of the bacteria survive better than if they were on their own.  So maybe this suggests that peace in the Middle East is possible after all?  Okay – bit of a stretch – but interesting all the same.

And the number shall be 50.. no more.. no less

Today saw the sentencing of a lady in Hobart who was found guilty of killing her husband.  She was convicted and sentenced to 26 years imprisonment with parole eligibility after 18 years. What struck me as unusual was that she was also sentenced to pay $50 levy as per the Victims of Crime Compensation Act 1994.

After reading the sentencing document from the Supreme Court that detailed the heinous crime, followed by quite a lengthy sentence – it was a stark contrast to come up with a figure of $50. 

How is that number worked out?  Who does it help?  Surely it’s not enough to do anything of any real importance.  So is it then purely a symbolic gesture?   

I looked for similar levels of compensation :

·         $50 is the amount that Australia Post will compensate for general loss or damage for items sent through normal post.  (www.pio.gov.au/.../aust_post_determining_levels_of_compensation.pdf)

• $50 seems to be a common figure used for compensating volunteers who participate in psychology experiments or clinical trials.

• If you are a juror in North Dakota, you receive $25 for the first day and $50 thereafter.

• The Norwegian Cruise Line compensated passengers $50 per cabin for a delay of one day caused by engine trouble.

• And finally, a 10 year old girl was fined $50 for setting up a lemonade stand in Central Park, NY. (http://kdka.com/watercooler/lemonade.stand.fine.2.1131754.html)

What a strange figure to come up with.  Perhaps when considering the inequity of this levy, one needs to remember the Chinese Proverb that it is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness..  Lets hope the money is invested wisely.

My hothouse is bigger than yours..

Behold and stand in awe at the very.. awesomeness..  of my Hot House.  Okay - thats not polite.  But seriously - check out my new hothouse.  It's big.. like.. really big!  We still need to do some bracing (so it doesnt become my neighbours huge hothouse), and obviously the cover.

 The pit at the back is for a 2000 litre fish tank for an Aquaponics system (Aquaponics.net.au for more info).  Alternatively, if I fall off my ladder again, it may be where the wife buries my body.

 

Surrogacy - or.. "Want to have my baby?"

Recently I studied the ethics surrounding surrogacy which is very interesting.  It's one of those issues that have a 'doomed if you do, doomed if you don't' thing happening.

For example, do you allow a lady in India, where commercial surrogacy is prevelent to 'sell' her pregnancy to a desperate couple so that she can provide for the rest of her family with the proceeds?

Even feminists are of two minds.  One camp says that surrogacy is demeaning to women - turning them into nothing more than walking incubators.  Others believe that it is a women's right to do what she wants - and more power to her.

So it's a tricky debate.  What I've recently found out though is that it's not restricted to humans.  That's right - Cukoo's also practice surrogacy - and they don't even have the decency to tell the other birds.  They slip their little egg into a next of a different bird - and expect them to raise the cukoo.  They don't even offer child support.

Similarly, we are often placing egg's of different sorts under whichever hen is broody at the time.  They don't seem to mind for the most part - but who know's if there are awkward conversations later about why the chick looks different.  "Honest darling - the Turkey and I are just good friends". 

So perhaps the pragmatic evolution of the Cukoo supports the argument for legalised surrogacy.  Either way, make sure you get someone's permission before you impregnate them.. thats just good manners.

Chickens - Fowl demons from hell..

I was watching an episode of Survivor recently. One of the teams had won a challenge where the reward was three chickens - two hens and a rooster.   There was a debate within camp as to whether to eat one of the chickens.   These brain surgeons then went and killed one of the hens!!!

My wife and I were stunned.  Did they not know the difference?  Did they think they needed to keep one rooster and one hen so that it continued laying eggs?  Even if you gave them the benefit of the doubt that pperhaps the hen's weren't laying anyway, it would be worth waiting another day or so.  There really is no good reason to eat the hen first before the rooster.

We settled on the idea that these city folk knew nothing of poultry ways.  So here are 5 totally true but little known facts about chickens..   Remember these as they are sure to come up at your next trivia night, or when your friend phones you from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

Factoid 1.
The joke about the chicken crossing the road is actually very cruel.  Chickens have a fear of roads called Bitumanphobia.  This debilitating mental condition prevents them from crossing streets, highways, lane ways, but strangely not avenues or crescents.   One can get their chicken treated, which usually involves electrotherapy - but the costs are pretty high, and your chicken ends up smelling like cooked chook.

Factoid 2.
A chicken can lay up to 6 eggs a day, but chooses not to.  If you can somehow entice the chicken through bribery or fear, you can get an egg every 4 hours.  Also, as the speed of egg laying increases, the egg shape looks more like a torpedo than an oval.

Factoid 3.
The Birmingham Brown is the largest chicken on earth.  Fully grown, it the equivalent size and weight as the 2004 Mini Clubman.   This is why the 2004 Mini Clubman is often affectionately referred to as the Chooks Ass.

Factoid 4. 
Chicken actually tastes allot like chicken.  More so than nearly every other food except satay octopus.. obviously.

Factoid 5. 
Chickens sleep with one eye open.  Don't ever turn your back on a chicken because you think it's asleep.  That is exactly what they want you to think.  You've been warned.

Death by goat

As a farmer (okay.. wanna-be farmer), I think I have a pretty good understanding of animals.  They don't call me the chicken whisperer for nothing.  So it took me by surprise when I heard the dreadful news of the following 'mountain goat goring' tradgedy.

US-Hiker-Gored-To-Death-By-Mountain-Goat

It got me wondering who else had been killed by unusual critters not normally considered above us in the food chain.  Here's a few now..

• 162 BC: Eleazar Maccabeus was crushed to death at the Battle of Beth-zechariah by a war elephant that he believed to be carrying Seleucid King Antiochus V; charging into battle, Eleazar rushed underneath the elephant and thrust a spear into its belly, whereupon it fell dead on top of him.
• 9th century: Prince Popiel of Goplans or Polans tribe was eaten alive by mice in a tower in Kruszwica. A similar tale is the Mouse Tower of Archbishop Hatto II of Manz. This curse was a consequence of his lack of hospitability or obeying traditions.
• 1834: David Douglas, Scottish botanist, fell into a pit trap accompanied by a bull. He was gored and possibly crushed.
• 1920, 25 October: Alexander I King of the Hellenes, was taking a walk in the Royal Gardens, when his dog was attacked by a monkey. The King attempted to defend his dog, receiving bites from both the monkey and its mate. The animals were diseased, inducing infection which led to sepsis. He died three weeks later. His death resulted in the reinstatement of his deposed father Constantine I who, being pro-German, changed the fortunes of the Greek nation for the years to come.
• 923: George Herbert, 5th Earl of Carnarvon, became the first to die from the alleged King Tut's Curse after a mosquito bite on his face, which he cut while shaving, became seriously infected with erysipelas, leading to blood poisoning and eventually pneumonia.
• 1975: Bandō Mitsugorō VIII, a Japanese kabuki actor, died of severe poisoning when he ate four fugu livers (also known as pufferfish). The liver is considered one of the most poisonous parts of the fish, but Mitsugorō claimed to be immune to the poison. The fugu chef felt he could not refuse Mitsugorō and lost his license as a result.
• 1982: David Grundman was killed near Lake Pleasant, Arizona while shooting at cacti with his shotgun. After firing several shots at a 26 ft (8m) tall Saguaro Cactus from extremely close range, a 4 ft limb of the Cactus that was weakened by the gunfire detached and fell on him, crushing him. (Okay – not an animal.. but.. still pretty strange).
• 2003: Timothy Treadwell, an American environmentalist who had lived in the wilderness among bears for thirteen summers in a remote region in Alaska, and his girlfriend Amie Huguenard were killed and partially consumed by a bear. An audio recording of their deaths was captured on a video camera which had been turned on at the beginning of the incident.
• 2005: Kenneth "Mr. Hands" Pinyan of Gig Harbor, Washington, U.S. died of acute peritonitis after seeking out and receiving anal intercourse from a stallion, an act he had engaged in previously on numerous occasions without injury. Pinyan delayed his visit to the hospital for several hours out of reluctance to explain the circumstances of his injury to doctors. The case led to the criminalization of bestiality in Washington state.
• 2006: Steve Irwin, an Australian television personality and naturalist known as the Crocodile Hunter, died when his heart was impaled by a short-tail stingray barb while filming a documentary entitled "Ocean's Deadliest" in Queensland's Great Barrier Reef.
• 2007: Surinder Singh Bajwa, the Deputy Mayor of Delhi, India, was warding off several Rhesus Macaque monkeys at his home and fell from a first-floor balcony, suffering serious head injuries. He later died from his injuries.
• 2008: Nordin Montong, 32, a janitor at the Singapore Zoo, committed suicide by entering an enclosure containing white tigers and provoking them with brooms and a pail. Three of the tigers pounced on him, dragging him by the neck to the back of their enclosure. He was pronounced dead by paramedics at the scene.
• 2009: Taylor Mitchell, a Canadian folk singer, was attacked and killed by two coyotes only the second recorded human fatality from a coyote attack.

Word of the day - Superfluite

I know!  How do you not know this one?   The collective noun for a group of nuns. 

Remember these tips if you stumble upon a superfluite of nuns..
1.  Don't look them in the eye.
2. Keep your hands by your side lest they be smacked with a ruler.
3. Nun's are not good singers, or wacky as Whoopee Goldberg would have you believe.
4. They don't take kindly to jokes about bad habbits..
5.  They won't hurt you if you don't annoy them.

 Nuns from the front.

Nuns from the back.

Word of the day: Solipsism.

  This is the philosophical idea that you can only depend on the existence of your own mind..  and that there is no necessary proof of anything outside of that.   This is a bit of a freaky view. It’s like saying there is no proof that anything exists accept my mind.  Everything else is potentially just a figment of my imagination. 

So does anyone really believe this – apart from maybe some pot smoking philosopher in the past?  Well.. some actually believe that young children, by default, have this belief of sorts until they eventually work out that other people have experiences like they do. 

Then there is Solipsism syndrome, a dissociative mental state.  Someone suffering a mental disorder may think they are the only real ‘person’ and all others are just empty vessels going through the motions.. Kinda scary thought – because someone who truly believed that would have no need for morality.. and would have a pretty bleak future, unless of course they entered politics.  <Boom Boom>.

T.

Power Predictor

This week, I hoiked (is that a word?) a Power Predictor up a 4.5 metre pole in the middle of the paddock.  This little Ammemeter lets you log the wind speed, direction and solar energy to a small unit, saving the data to a micro sd card. After a month, you can transfer this to a website.

Hopefully, it will a> tell me that I live in a windy spot, and b> give me an accurate idea of what wind generator I should invest in.  Power prices have jumped significantly, and with their current management structure, likely to keep lifting prices.  Hopefully, I can get out of this vicious cycle of relying on them.